I have no intention to move on. Dark depressing mood surrounds my life. It’s sad, lonely... Its nothing.All I think about now, is the notion of ending my life.The height of this building doesn't seem to scare me,at all. Slowly, I walk. I walk and walk. Toward my death. With nobody else besides me, a lonely guy.
*I fell, toward the abyss.......
That summer, I was happy as a kid. Always smiling in my own world, the day never wasted and every moment counts. In the pursuit of my dreams, I learned something new everyday. To me, life itself was a beautiful gift... and I cherished it. But gradually, life has lost its charm that I once knew. The world itself is isn’t how I imagined it would. My only family, a brother I had killed himself. Perhaps it maybe due to the fact that his wife, full of affection towards him once disposed him like a trash when she found another lover.Or maybe, his music career were at the end of the line. But I rather believe, in a different perspective, he was slacking and probably wanted a long vacation to for a good nap.
I was longing for a summer vacation too. Perhaps I was tired myself in the midst of all outrageous work I did. Strangely, a sudden melancholy crept onto me, for I miss the days I spent with my brother once. With a very little effort of deciding, I took a decision I should never done. For all those place I used to go with my brother, I make up my mind to went to my uncles villa’s. We used to sail there, with our uncle little boat and often play around the creek. We would hide, dance and eat till our heart’s content. There, it seems the world were much more interesting.
Never knew what awaits me there, I went there without consent. What greets me first was a warm welcome from my uncle. I always had this admiration for him. He was a frivolous man, kind and fun to hang out with. Yeah, he was a cool guy. At the beginning of the summer, he went so far to ask me wether I’m already found a lover. A lover, a thought that never before came across my mind. I laughed it off, though it hurts me because I was quite lonely.
Day 3, I was going to leave this villa today. , That day I wish, I wouldn’t be there. I went to the creek, a remote quiet place, beautiful, hidden from the road by pine woods. I saw her, sitting with a book on her hands. She notice me, for perhaps I was being a creep but she smiled. Thats the start of something, I presume. I didn’t say a word when I’m around her for my mind simply couldn’t make up any word. That little lady sitting somehow doesn’t even try to impress me, makes me wonder something. I returned a smile and pass my way. For some odd reason, I still smile.
Out of the ordinary, ”Anne Larsen” she spoke, while her lavish hand turned the pages of her books. I turned around “Oh, pardon?”.
“Anne Larsen, thats my name. Looks like you are quite a shy person soo I took the liberty to introduce myself first. ”She chuckles a bit. “Alex and its a pleasure to meet you” . For that moment onward, we became friend.
For weeks we seeing each other.We talk and talk some more. All those heavy thought I kept in my head were at ease. Social interaction for me are exshausting but something about her that makes it comfortable again. Within a week she had dressed me in the right clothes and taught me something about life. I remember thinking her as the most wonderful person and being quite embarrassingly fond of her. I was getting to know her better.Perhaps, times slowly gone backward, backward to the time I was truly happy...
My uncle was a curious, he wanted to know where i went for the past few weeks. In our family, this situation worry them as they already lost my brother. To ease them, I said”I met someone’.From this unusual statement leave my family shocked. They knew I was quite an introvert person and for me to finally make a progress surely suprised them.My uncle, he insisted to have dinner with this special someone I’m refering to. I couldn’t refuse and was more willing to.
“I oughta introduce my friend first....”
Contrary to my expectation, my uncle shows an expression I didn’t expect.
“Alex, there is no one there..” my uncle broke the silent. I laughed it out, expect it was just a joke my uncles made.”Umm, this is Anne,...” again I introduce her but again,my uncle cut “Alex, stop joking around... there is no one there”. I don’t know what to make out of this.
"No." I covince myself. "You’re being silly!”I take a moment to calm my nerves,taking a deep breath before I caught my reflection in the mirror located at the living room, she wasn’t there. I turned my head toward her.
I couldn’t content myself, this isn’t real, it can’t be. I ran out, chasing her as if I’m chasing a shadow. I got my hopes up, instead what I was chasing was just a shadow. The sky stretch upon me with its stars and I gazed upward, vaguely hoping for God helps. I ran, I ran and hope that maybe, just maybe, God loving grace would save me. Then I saw her but Anne was different, as if I knew of her completely devoid presence.
“For what you are searching for?” slowly dragging her fingernail up to my face. Its real, this touch. “Perhaps,to lose myself to you”I spoke and she hugged me. It was a tender hug and I couldn't disguise my feelings as she slowly dissapear. I stood for a moment and cried for myself. I couldn’t find hope, I was lonely. I found myself on the edge of a building.I took the leapt.
As if in a haze of a dream again, time seems to go backward, back to the time where I could see a friend again.