If Only

Seconds ticked by while we waited outside the doors that led to mom. Time passed so slowly, it felt agonizing. Dad, my little sister and I sat on the rows of chairs outside the operation room. The strong smell of antiseptic wafted in the air and I could see Mavis scrunching up her face in discomfort now and then. I was more used to the hospital so it didn't bother me as much.

Dad leaned against the white and cold wall with his eyes closed. He must be anxious. But I guess we all were. Dad pursed his lips together and frowned as he walked back and forth so many times in these three hours we had waited. Even Mavis, who would usually chatter away, grew silent and waited patiently. I stared at them as sadness overwhelmed me. Because I knew the reason why they were so nervous. And afraid.

I hoped everything would be fine. And for the same thing to not happen again.

The stony silence were interrupted when the doors were pushed open by a doctor and two nurses. Our eyes darted towards them as we all stood up at the same time. Dad walked close and looked at the doctor with widened eyes filled with insecurity. For a split second, I thought I could hear even the thumping sounds of his heartbeat.

"Congratulations! It's a healthy baby girl." The doctor smiled warmly as he said. Exhaustion was written all over his face but I didn't miss the joy that was present as well.

Dad let out a long sigh as his shoulders slumped down in relief. It was as though all the worry vanished and he had deflated like a balloon. But the next second, he looked back at the doctor and proceeded to shake his hand.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Dad's grip on the doctor's hand was tight but sincere. His eyes shone with appreciation. Even his voice was quivering a little.

As soon as the doctor left, we went into the room they placed mom in. We gathered around her bed as the bubbly feeling of joy engulfed us like a blanket. The baby was in mom's warm and safe embrace, sleeping peacefully as though she was tired from all the crying. So pure and ignorant. Not knowing anything around her.

Now we had a new addition to our family. Tears slid down my cheeks as I held back a sniffle. And now, I don't need to worry about them. They won't remember anymore.

Dad and Mavis took turns holding the baby. I took my chance to congratulate mom. But she didn't answer me or even spare me a look. But it's fine, I didn't mind. It was such a warm sight to see them already loving the baby so much with their faces glowing with glee. My mind was filled with images all of a sudden, just like a flood that washed me away.

I could imagine teaching her how to walk and speak. Taking care of her and soothing her when she cries. Caring for her and hugging her when she had a bad day. Listening to what new things she had learnt everyday with eyes filled with amazement. I envision spending so much time with her as she becomes a part of my life.

I cut off my thoughts. Because I knew they will not come true. Never.

"If only Maecy is here." Mavis' crisp voice resonated across the room clearly. Clear enough for all of us to hear.

Maecy. That's me.

The room fell silent as tears blurred my eyes once again. Every ounce of happiness vanished into thin air.

I cried and tried to stop the pain from suffocating me. The truth hurts and it always will. Memories will stay forever even when you desperately want to erase them.

I wanted them to forget. To live on. To not remember me anymore.

I died two years ago. Right in this hospital. And now, all I can do is look over them.

The pain of leaving behind everything pierces me again like an arrow. Sorrow welcomed me back from my short absence and it felt like it never left me in the first place.

I reached out to touch the baby. But my hand passed right through her body. I feel a stabbing pain emitting from within. I pulled back my hand and instead tried to embrace Mavis. But it was futile. I couldn't. I looked back at mom and dad only to find them crying silently. The baby woke up and started to wail. And I wanted to believe that she too, was weeping for me.

I watched them and tried to burn this piece of memory into my very soul as I slowly vanished and my existence, lost.

If only.