mind games

what does it feel like to be never alone. to have someone with you all the time. someone who you enjoy talking to and like being with. someone who understands you and tells you

exactly what you want to hear. it may be due to the impossibility of this happening in real life that i had such people living in my head. it could be anyone. sometimes it is a very

attractive guy who was desperately in love with me, sometimes it is a girl who is my best friend, and sometimes a middle aged guy with a wise face who talks about his travels. it

didnt matter who they were, they always said what i wanted to hear, probably because they were nothing but my imagination. the point is, i was never alone even though everyone

called me a loner.

i may have started making people up in my head from a very young age, or maybe i kept accumulating imaginary friends as i grew up. i probably did this because i didnt

have much people to talk to in real life. it isnt that i am shy or awkward around people, i just found it really hard to smile and nod when they went on pouring all the crap about their

problems and their pathetic lives. i could never act like i cared. perhaps i should have tried more.

i normally return from work in bus. train is faster and easier but i liked the long ride. by the time i reach home it would be dark, but i didnt mind. returning home late

meant less conversation. that day an old lady got in the bus at some stop. she had a scarf around her face, she looked tired. the seat beside me was empty, she came over and sat

by my side even though there were a couple of empty seats before me. when i saw her staring at me i took off my headset. she asked me if i was scared. it was then i noticed a fat

guy couple of seats ahead turning around and looking at me. some regular pervert. she started talking about stuff, she was alright not like those other nosy old people. the fat guy

kept turning around from time to time, but it was when i noticed the conductor looking at me that i felt like something was wrong. my whole body felt hot, i didnt have to turn

around to look for the old lady, i knew she wasnt there. that was the first blow. it never happened to me before. i didnt talk to the people in my head when i was around other

people. something was wrong, but like every sick person i denied it.

it wasnt easy though. after sometime it was impossible to sleep. more and more new characters came to live in my head. i avoided closing doors as much as possible.

the people i made up behind a closed door can blow your mind off. i had a varied imagination, i talked to a soldier without a limb to a little girl lost within a mall.

in a way i enjoyed it, i was on constant alert. it was like waking up after years and years of sleeping. constant adrenaline rush. it was always new faces. people i dont think i have

ever seen in my life. but then again i read somewhere that the faces you see in your dreams are the faces of people that you have passed at some where in your life, so what do we

know.

at some point i decided to see a doctor, to make sure that i didnt have a tumor growing in my brain making my creative ability to go over drive. the results came back

negative. i wasnt surprised. in the back of my head i always knew i was going crazy. what i really wanted to know was if i could manage it. go on living as the insensitive bitch that i

always was. i was sure that i could do it. i never scream or faint when i come across any of the highly grotesque products of my imagination. i merely wait for them to pass,

sometimes i even strike up a conversation, i liked to know the story behind these characters. but then things started going wrong.

on this particular day i have been imagining a man in a navy suit,sitting in my office the whole time i was working. we werent talking, i had too much work and he didnt

seem to mind just sitting there. at last when i picked up my stuff and finally left the office he was following me. he walked close behind me, i didnt care, i was too tired. after some

point even weird starts being normal. there is a watchman at the office, he locks up the building after the staff leaves. he was one of those people who everyone knew and liked.

the type that is always smiling and talking to everybody. i was the last one to leave that day. i was in the lift with the watchman and the navy suit guy when he started talking. "you

can kill him you know, nobody is going to know". i remember thinking that he was British by then i had smashed the skull of the watchman with his torch. i walked out when the lift

reached the ground floor. i didnt get up to go to work the next day. my mom obviously knew something was wrong and then the police came over to arrest me. they could not do

much. my parents found an absolute piranha of a lawyer and managed to get me out. it was only self defense, it seems that the watchman tried to rape me.

we moved. but i had to go through therapy. it was then that i decided to meet a specialist. i came clean. now i wish i hadnt. i have been here for 2 years now. and this is a

part of my treatment. pouring every gory details out of my heart and letting go or some stuff like that. the good news is that the doctor thinks i am alright. i have spent most part of

these two years in a daze pumped up with drugs, but then again when i do get back to feeling myself there they will be waiting. i feel like i am in a conspiracy, acting out my part to

get the hell out of here. i dont think i will kill anyone anymore. the urge is still there sometimes. in fact, it is very easy to get away with murder, only if you plan it well. i have already

come up with some foolproof plans for murdering the gardener, the head nurse, the lady that screams and keeps everyone up at night, that annoying kid that keeps talking to me

every time he visits his crazy grandmother and a couple of other low lives in here. but then again i dont think i will kill anyone, even if i do i will make sure that it wont be tracked

back to me. two years with nothing to do but think can help you come up with some really brilliant methods.

i get out tomorrow, i already have a job outside. things wont be as bad as last time. also i am better at talking to people now. i can smile, nod and ask meaningful

questions and make appropriate observations in a conversation. maybe i might actually make some real life friends.