For the past few weeks, I always ask myself, "What if I wasn't born?"
And this question lingers in my mind all through the day from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay in bed. What would it be like if I wasn't born?
It is probably my mistake to ask such question. My family would often ask me what's wrong when I came home crying. They would often tell me it's a mistake to go out alone. That it's a big mistake to be somewhere they don't know. My family is obssessed with correcting each of our mistakes. But in my family, I am the mistake.
My mother got pregnant while she was young. Luckily, she was able to finish her studies after having me. I am a big liability in my family. I was the unplanned child. I was the reason why she attended late in her graduation. She got married right after her graduation--all of that because of me.
So when I am old enough to take care of myself, they planned to have another child and this time--they definitely wanted her. Janissa, the apple of my father's eyes. Janissa, the perfect daughter of my mother. Janissa, my beautiful, graceful sister. Everybody loves her. We love her. But sometimes, when I get tired of being compared to her, I just wish we could switch places.
I want her to know how I feel when she's around. Like, when we're having dinner, she's always been the center of attention and I'm totally left out. When we visit our relatives, she'll be introduced as "This is Janissa, our lovely daughter."
But when it's me, they'll only say, "And oh, here's Monica, Janissa's sister," as if I'm just a nobody to them. As if I am just adopted but I wasn't and even adopted children should not be treated that way.
I know I sounded insecure. I know I sounded pathetic but if you were in my place, you would understand. I tried to ignore it all yet, like a mirror and its reflection, it still comes back: Pain.
I think that if my mother could turn back time, she would probably choose to undo her greatest mistake--me. I did everything just for them to treat me like the way they treated Janissa. I aced almost every test, I joined extra curricular activities, I volunteered to help in the community service campaign, I cleaned my room, I do my homework, I never hang out with my friends, I prayed everynight for my parents to accept me as they accepted Janissa.
If I wasn't born, they would still be a happy family, happier even. Janissa would probably feel so lucky, so blessed. I am just an outcast. A mistake that they would be so happy to erase. But since I am already here, alive and kickin', they can do nothing aside from letting me stay, and giving me my daily needs.
That, my friend, is the feeling of being unwanted.