Unrealistic Faith

One day, you wake up. Drag yourself into the bathroom and get cleaned. You just tie your hair in a ponytail. And leave the house.

It has been weeks since you looked at yourself in the mirror. You hate looking at the girl staring back at you. She scares you. She is a zombie. A body without a soul. If ever you looked at the mirror, chills run down your spine.

You don't realize your face is covered with pimples, until they start to hurt. You don't realize the bags under your eyes are so huge, 10 people can use them as luggage bags to be carried on a 1 year vacation.

You look pathetic.

You walk down the street like you wish you never woke up. You drag your feet, dreading the new day. You hate yourself because you woke up today. You hoped you won't, but you did.

As you walk down the street, you notice your vision is blurred. Your good eye is suddenly gone rotten. You panic a little. But it doesn't bother you. Because you know, your life is screwed a very long time ago.

Especially when you had the extremely hurting throbbing headache.

You feel the back of your neck. And slowly rub at the lump right at the spine and you remember the blood pressure reading the other day.

180/92.

The numbers linger in your thoughts. The doctor prescribed heavy blood pressure medication, which you never dared to consume.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

You can't help but wonder.

Does high blood pressure cause blurry vision?

As you reach your dreadful hell-hole you call your workplace, your so-called "office-mates" ask you what has happened to your eyes? Even before you told them your vision is blurry.

You dash to the toilet and look at your eyes. And the breath is stuck in your throat.

The veins in your eyeballs are blood shot.

You remember the days how your eyes can't keep looking at the computer screen any longer.

You remember how your eyes hurt and cause nausea everyday.

You try to convince yourself that it is nothing. It is only because you cried yourself to sleep last night.

And every single night for over a month. And obviously because of the lack of sleep.

At the same time, your can't stop yourself thinking about all the organs that are slowly letting go.

Your stomach, that burns and feels like it is lit in flames everytime you ate something spicy.

Your ear, the non-stop ringing sensation.

Your head, which throbs constantly.

You can literally feel your heartbeat in your temples each time you use a earphone.

Your shoulders are as stiff as a rock.

And the only thing that makes a woman, the uterus and the overly sized chest, it is also not in its optimal, or even in minimally functioning condition.

Yup. Your life is officially screwed.

Well, lets add to that list, each time you go to the doctors, nothing is wrong with you. You are perfectly fine.

Either the doctors are clueless, OR my body has a mystical power to cover up its flaws when the doctors are checking.

You look pathetic. You feel like trash. And You are one screwed up piece of shit.

That's all you can do to sum up your life.

Let's add some tiny little detail to that.

According to your family,

You are officially a fun spoiler and a stuck up witch. So there is perfectly no one you could talk to.

The only thing you can do, is think back at your life. How happy you once where.

You look back at your old pictures and you wonder.

"Wow. Look at that girl. She is so bright. Like her whole life is nothing but roses and tulips."

You experiment. You snap a picture of yourself. You feel like you wanna vomit.

You know what you need.

All you need is the warm chest that was once was yours. When you look into the eyes, you knew...you are the strongest person on earth and was ready to face anything head on.

You really need that. You know that is the only cure to the pain and agony that you are going through.

You close your eyes and you remember the day in the car. You had to sleep in the car. He was next to you. You had a bad dream. He pulled you close. Under his arm and comforted you. Only a handful of words, "I told you..Come here"

Just a hug. Under the arm. In a small car.

You try desperately to remember the tender kisses. The soft touches. And the warmth.

And then you remember.

You desperately try to forget it all. They may be my memories.

But all of those are theirs now. It is never ours anymore.

Unfortunately, your heart is soft. It hopes. It expects.

The string that has 2 knots only.

It may be a joke. But you believe.

You hope it will mean something.

Maybe it will take another 50 years, or even 60..But you are sure he will be back.

He may be old and helpless. But yet you know someday that long arms will once again hold you. The wrinkled eyes will look into you and make you giggle just like how you giggled the first day you set your eyes on it. And the soft lips will once again be brushed on mine. Taking away my breath.

And maybe that day will be the day of my death, but til my last breath,

I will wait for that day.

Nonetheless, I will continue to pray to the Lord, that the days in between will be filled with nothing but magic and wonders. The lady in his life will be given nothing but bliss and happiness. And the children that he produces will be angelic and adorable, just like their father.

But in the end, when his family is cared for and happy, when his duties are carried out magnificently and he graduates, and he is just a grumpy old jackass, he will find his way back home.

To where I will be waiting. If not here, somewhere in the afterlife. Because he owes me a dance showdown and a gift.

That is called faith.