The tragic loss of a Child

a normal sunny day on Sept. 25, not a cloud in the bright blue sky. My daughter Addie (14) was in our razor headed to her sisters. We live in a little community all our neighbors are family. I spoke with her on the phone at 2:20 pm. Addie was gone at 2:22 p.m. I pulled up on the scene and there was my sweet baby girl lying on the ground. I won’t explain the details of it. I’ll just say what happened to her was very brutal. I  kneeled next to her body just screaming NO, No, No.

I did not understand how something so horrible could happen to someone so innocent.

Seeing and knowing there was nothing I, nor anyone ,could do to bring her back was the most devastating feeling. 

  I wanted her back and she did not come back. I cried out in a voice I never knew I had. I cried out from my soul that day. 

      I was removed by an E.M.T.  I watched my other children pull up to the scene.  My oldest was met by the E.M.T.  I watched my daughter drop to her knees. It was very heartbreaking. It was like everything was in slow motion.  

And after that, I can’t tell you what I did for the rest of that day. I  really don’t remember a lot of the days after. It seemed we were pushed and crowded until the funeral was over. Then we were left to ourselves, then I was left to myself.

     I  felt like the world was going to in a sense, swallow me. I could not breath, I felt constantly like I was on the verge of a huge panic attack.

I wanted to go to the hospital and tell them to fix me. Fix me, because my heart was broken.

I think your brain ends up trying to in a sense not forget it happened, but puts it somewhere tucked away. Almost as if you pretend it didn’t happen.  Then it comes and knocks you to your knees. You go in to a panic saying oh my god, she is really gone. It is the most horrible feeling you will ever have.

You will realize or come to the reality, that your child is not coming back. Nothing is going to bring them back. 

I went through a non-deserving phase. Where you feel like you don’t deserve anything, because your child does not get to experience those things.

It has been five months since she passed. It gets harder and harder everyday. The only way I have made it this far is  God.  I focus on not what it is here but what it will one day be. The promise I will see her again.