The Sailor’s Anchor

The moonlight vividly illuminates the old oak tree surrounded by hundreds of hopeless little fire flies dip in the wind, soaring with the false promise of flight. The twinkling stars continuously shine, changing colors every minute, from blue to red and green and then back again. It was a few hours since the sun had dropped unto the ocean. The sounds of crickets can clearly be heard, and the wind, the wind whispers, caressing everything it could touch.

Although it was only the moon and the stars that provide light, it was already enough to realize that someone is leaning his back on that old oak tree. There was enough light for someone with a pair of observant eyes to notice him.

He smoothened his hands on his tattered jeans before puffing his cigarette again, inhaling its deadly smoke. His eyes are neither blue nor green but somewhere in between. His nose, long and well-shaped and his face, there’s a sign of bruise on his face. But he’s dazzling. Petrified. Terrifying.

Janus, the eldest in the family of five who had just been in a terrible car accident, and was just released from the hospital eight days ago, but he’s already here, waiting, about to commit something he was forced to do. He’s about to play with fire.

So, when he found out that someone is about to come, his right hand automatically readied the weapon, about to pull the trigger that would blast anybody’s skull but he realized it was the wrong person. No, it was not the man he had been waiting to pass by that old oak tree. And so, he lowered the gun and hid them back.

“That bastard. He’s lucky he was given another night to breathe, but tomorrow, he’ll be dead.” With a pounding heart, as if terror is drumming on his chest, he breathed hard and swallowed that lump in his throat.

Janus turned his back with a sign of failure in his task. His hands clenched and unclenched and his lips, pale. Whilst he walk back home, his mind wondered about everything. Still, he couldn’t believe what happened to him. He doesn’t know how to start his life with his younger sister anymore or perhaps he doesn’t know whether he still wanted to go on, to live his life or just simply forget about breathing.

Two different Janus are running parallel to each other—old and new. And his life was torn into two—now and then.

When he arrived into their humble abode, he saw his younger sister waiting for him. She didn’t ask where he had been although it is obvious she waited for hours. She just crawls unto the bed and without any trace of sound, she closed her eyes. And so, he did the same thing.

They were a happy family, blessed and contented. It was New Year’s Eve when the Loski’s rode home from a party. Janus’ youngest sister, Juliette was fast asleep. Raven, the middle child was seated next to him at the back seat, they were laughing, singing a Christmas carol. Their mother was on the passenger’s seat next to their father, talking over something about the party. They were all dead tired and so each of them decided to take a nap aside from their father who was driving carefully in the middle of the road, trying to focus.

And then it happened. The unexpected thing that slices their life into two: Past and Present.

“No, no, no, no!”

“Everyone, wake up! Janus, Raven!”

“Mom, what’s happening?”

“JANUS, WAKE UP!”

The screaming, the crashing, the crying—all of it, and the flood of tears that almost drowned them—it all came into a nightmare. His mother’s body surrounded with blood, Juliette’s heart that ripped open and his father, his father who had not been identified if it weren’t because of the necklace he wore. All of it lasted too short and ended up too late which turned into ashes.

“Mom! Dad!”

Then he woke up in the middle of the cold, cold, night with tears slowly pouring from his eyes. “Don’t leave me,” he pleads. But he knew that no matter how he shouts their name, all he could ever do is just live with their absence. And he couldn’t accept it.

“Janus,” small dainty, soft hands hugged him from the back.

“Raven, go back to sleep,” he says trying to cry in silence but the girl surely wants to comfort him. “I can’t let you cry alone.” She says, her cute voice was replaced by tiny sobs.

“Cut it out, Raven. Stop crying!”

“But I miss Juliette. And mom and dad, too.” And with that answer, his heart slowly melted. Raven was only twelve years old; she was too young to be left. In those moments, Janus couldn’t think of anything else but the power of his broken heart: Revenge.

“If only I could lay my hands on his neck, I’d be sure to kill that man!” All he ever felt was anger building up inside him. He is done being depressed, and now, it’s payback time.

“Janus please, it was an accident.” Raven replied shaking her head in disagreement.

“Accident or no, I’m going to take him down.” Just as he said those words, Raven cried harder again like it’s killing her softly. It was like an inevitable pain which is so hard to endure. He caressed the back of his little sister as he lull her to sleep but she wouldn’t close her eyes and all she ever do is just stare at him.

“Sleep now Raven or else….” He said with authority but Raven cut him out.

“What will mom and dad think if they were alive? That their Janus is turning into a criminal?” It hits him like a bolt of lightning about to explode. It’s as if Raven had shot him dead in an instant. Those words affected him so much. His eyes had shattered and his heart was fractured unable to be transfixed. It’ like Raven punched him in the gut and stabbed his heart.

“No, Raven. I’m not turning into a criminal. I’m just going to seek justice for the death of our parents and little Juliette.”

But Raven knows better. So slowly, she shook her head and looks at him in the eye. “There is no justice for an accident, Janus.” His hands formed into fists, he couldn’t be stopped by anyone even by his own little sister who doesn’t know much about the world. So with gritted teeth and eyes that refuse to reveal what he truly feels, he replied, “Raven, you’re too young to understand it all. And I don’t expect you to understand if I say that in this world, there is no such thing as accident. It’s just a sin and revenge which results to justice.”

“But justice isn’t justice if you’re bound to kill, Janus!”

“Not unless he deserves to die,” he stood up dismissing the conversation with Raven. He was thankful Raven is alive yet he couldn’t help but feel angst towards her. She acts like she knows everything; she acts like their mother who cares for him so much. And he hates Raven for always reminding him about that sudden loss, that sudden lifetime loss.

“Janus, where are you going?”

“Outside,” he answered without turning around to meet her eyes. He walks out the door and doesn’t look back.

“Damn this life,” he says while lighting another stick of cigarette. He stayed wide awake thinking about Raven’s words. He wasn’t like that before. He was that kind of guy who chases his dreams. He was the kind of guy who listens to advices. But the old Janus is dead, too. He buried him together with their parents. Just then, a tear escapes from his eyes. He had lost almost all the members of his family. And it hurts, it hurts holding on for so long, it hurts trying to be tough for so long. This is why he let his own tears leak. But he doesn’t want anybody to see his weakness so he stayed in the darkness, in the darkness where he belongs; but the darkness has got to end sometimes for light will take its place. Janus watched the sun climb up the sky outshining the moon and stars. He watches the sun as it splashes colors to the world.

Janus went back in their home thinking Raven was still asleep but the moment the door flies open, he saw her waiting for him in the kitchen with a cheesecake on the table. She turned to look at him, smiling.

“Happy birthday, Janus.”

He wasn’t expecting this birthday present from her. Not when he knew they are broke. “Where did you get it, Raven?” Her smile slowly faded. “Don’t you like it?”

“Raven you shouldn’t have bought it. It’s a waste.”

With Raven’s calculating yet empty and sad eyes looking at him straight, she said, “I thought I’ve only lost Mom, Dad and Juliette. But I came to realize I was wrong because I’ve lost you, too. I’ve lost everything that matters most. And I hate myself for believing that someday everything will be okay. And I hate you more for turning into the person you once said you’ll never be. I hate you, Janus. I really do. But happy birthday, anyway.” She marched into the stairs leaving her brother in utter silence and the cheesecake on top of the table.

He watched her vanish into thin air. He try to find a place to hide, try to pretend she’s wrong, try to think of something but Raven’s voice keeps on playing in his mind like a broken tape.

Later that night, Janus waited on that same oak tree again. This time, he wouldn’t fail. This time, the man whom he thought responsible for the death of his parents would surely pass. And true enough, he found his car on its way. He automatically run at the center of the road and the car hurriedly screeched into a halt and the driver went out. “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you out of your mind?” he yelled at Janus who is smirking. Just then, recognition dawned on the face of the man.

“How have you been, Mr. Jones?” His voice is cold. It’s as if the man had lost his tongue for the first time. “J-janus…” he said almost a whisper. “Janus what are you doing?” he faked a laugh but it was obvious he is already shaking, trembling in fear. And then the clouds start to feel gloomy revealing their flash of lightning that sent the rest of the world on fire for a moment and rain starts to fall.

“Janus, I’m sorry okay? I know I shouldn’t have driven fast that night but I was late for our New Year’s celebration.”

“Is that all, Mr. Jones? You were late for a stupid celebration that you didn’t care if you could kill somebody?” Without a second thought, Janus punched him right on the face with all the strength he has. Jones fell on the road as blood escapes from his mouth. “Go to hell, Janus!” he remarked.

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here, Mr. Jones,” and with his hands, he forced Jones to stand on his fee t and released another punch again but this time, on his stomach. Janus handcuffed him and brought him in their house where he plans to shot him dead. He forced him to sit on the chair with blindfold on his eyes. “Janus, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” He begged. His clothes are wet and although it is still raining outside, he could still hear the fast beating of his heart.

“Tell that to our parents, Jones!”

“But they’re dead.” Jones answered helplessly. An evil smile was formed on Janus’ lips.

“Exactly, Mr. Jones. They wouldn’t be able to forgive you.”

And this is when Raven appeared on the scene. She came running towards her brother. “Janus, stop!”

“Stay out of the way, Raven!” But Raven wouldn’t move. Instead, she covered the helpless man from the deadly gun pointed on him. “I won’t.” She said as she extended her arms on her sides covering Jones with her body. “Shot me, instead. If you’ll kill him, it’s better if I die, too. If you’ll kill him, it means you don’t care about me anymore. So shot me now, Janus.”

Janus aimed the gun on the man’s head. If he pulls the trigger, Raven would surely be safe from the bullet. And his force is just enough to pull the trigger than he had expected.

If I kill him, would it make Mom, Dad and Juliette happy? If I kill him, would it make me any different from the person responsible for the death of my family?

There are so many things he would like to ask but he kept silence and let them hurt him, instead because the answer to his questions is a plain ‘NO’.

So, he carefully dropped the gun on the floor. Raven’s eyes water in happiness and she run in glee as she hugged him. “I’m sorry, Raven.” Janus said, embarrassed for everything he had done.

“Let me tell you a secret that mom and I used to keep.”

“What is it?” He asked with curiosity.

“It’s about your name. She said that the reason why she named you Janus was because she already imagined you to portray the same attitude as the Roman God Janus. He has the ability to turn one face to reflect upon the past and a yet another face freshly painted upon the future. And you’ve proven yourself, Janus. You have proven enough and I am glad. I’m more than a hundred percent sure that mom would be smiling from heaven, too.”

“I want to ask forgiveness from them for losing my mind once.”

“Oh, they said it is okay. Just don’t lose your mind twice,” Raven joked, giggling.

“You’re right for everything, Raven. Maybe there is light waiting for us ahead. Would you tell me more about my name?”

“Oh, sure. Mom said that January was named after Janus, the Roman God. And January marks the new year for most of us. A new beginning. Every beginning prompts us to thoughtfully consider past events but we should focus at the present because it is where we are destined to live.”

“So this is where we are destined to live?”

“Uh-huh.” Raven replied perplexed by the idea.

“You’re right,” Janus’ smile spread across his face as realizations hit him.

“I’ve been sailing with the wind; I had let it take me where it wants to go. I’ve been floating through life long enough. But life isn’t life if you’ll just float through it. And Raven, in this life where I’m forced to sail, I had let the wind blow me in the wrong direction but I’m grateful I’ve found my anchor. And it’s you.” He pulled his sister in a warm embrace.

“So, there’s only one thing to do,” Raven said as she approaches Jones. “Here you go, Mr. Jones.” Janus untied him. “I’m sorry, Janus. If there’s something I could do to help you, tell me. I’ll do anything….I’m just so sorry you’ve lost your parents because of me.”

“I’ll try to forgive you but I can’t promise you my heart would heal so soon,” Janus said turning to face him. He held Raven’s hand as they watch him break free. And they let him go.