Diary 1 of Hari.

1975
I am three years old. I used to see dreams in which white women danced on the beaches naked and sometimes a lion jumped from nowhere to peacefully join them, along with me. I disliked middle aged women and easily spotted sexy ladies among them. I liked their body not mind. I felt that I actually did not belong to the place.
Kerala was still a strict society and everything was hidden. I learned English as easily as Malayalam, my mother tongue.
‘What is that?’ My father would ask looking at the moon and I answered correctly. ‘What is that father?’ I once asked him at his account book on which there was a photo of a bikini clad woman. One day I asked my mother, ‘Mom, how does a woman get pregnant?’ She replied that women will get pregnant after their marriage.
1978
I was able to read English magazines and I found features and photos of musical entities like the Beatles, ABBA and Boney M. My cousin had a tape deck and I avidly listened to the world hits. I was so happy and dreamed of developing my talents to reap success in various fields.
People walked the streets with long hair covering their ears and in bell bottom trousers. Hippy culture was on the rouge and many people here emulated the West in many ways. I liked the ABBA very much and collected their photos from news papers and magazines. ‘The winner takes it all, the loser has to fall, its simple and its pain, why should I complain’. No wonder they conquered the world.
1982
School. Met Manju of grade 3. She is pretty and she liked me. My first infatuation at the age of ten. I participated in speech competition and she participated in smile and laughter competition on the occasion of the arts day. I felt so happy when I got chances to talk to her.
Inferiority complex due to lack of enough financial status – My mother , a teacher was the only bread winner. Father had a small job as a tax consultant. I thought that one day I would be smart and be able to earn well.
Opened my father’s large suitcase. I found two books in English in which I found photos of naked ladies and I felt tremendous liking for them. I secretly read the book whenever I could steal into his room. The thing had begun to work in me.
1988.
At school, I sat along with Narayan, Vasu, Sudheer and Rajesh and in our free time we discussed the taboo subject. I could read porn magazines brought by them. My mind began to trouble a little. I hoped I would not fall into doom. I wanted to be good man recognized by all, but this thing had tremendous impact on my mind. Why does the society here not approve of it? I was ready to wait for suitable solutions for all. I was good at studies , but I was not a brilliant student. I scored above average score.
Steffi Graf had entered the field of tennis. I collected as many photos of her as possible and dreamed of meeting her. Once day I saw her in dream and I was elated. I found that I had a liking for Germany. I wished I had been born there, when I watched a film from the country. Intelligence, hard work, success, fun, enjoyment, freedom and good government. I hoped one day I would reach there.
Sports had got into my veins. I could play foot ball, cricket, table tennis and badminton and I practiced diving in our pond. I like pole vaulting especially and could clear 2.30m with a bamboo pole. Sergei Bobka adored my walls along with Steffi Graf.
I could not sleep well without thinking about the beautiful girls I met at school, films and magazines. I dreamed of making love with one each every day. Sports and ‘that’ had become my lifelong passions.
(To be continued)