Noted marked change in the attitude of people around the world. The lazy, happy go lucky way of living was replaced by aggressive competition to amass wealth. Sports, one of the fields where you could see many nice personalities, turned into a field where stars competed for power and money. Humanities subjects began to be removed from colleges and in their place came MBA. Fondly remembered figures like DH Lawrence, Oliver Goldsmith, HG Wells, Aldous Huxley and other writers who gave us light, who gave us enough to feed our minds. Adieu!
All wanted to be top earning businessmen , technocrats or film makers. My imagination, tolerance, friendship and conversations were no match to the wealthy atmosphere of the college. Films by creative minds of the eighties had stopped coming here and I resorted to spirituality, but adding to my minds trouble, I could not control my basic instinct and the result was a bizarre stage of ambivalence.
That three letter word has huge impact on my mind but I kept my virginity intact. But erotic films had become my weakness. Studies were affected and I could not finish the degree. The girl, one of my relatives, whom I visited for several days eloped with another man. I was nearly out of balance.
Psychiatrist’s clinic. The world around me knew about my problem. Total collapse of life. Penury, humiliation and pain. After three months regained normality. Studied well and took the exams as a private candidate and passed.
Training for a teacher’s degree. Problems came again and my sympathetic friends helped me complete my assignments. Thank God, I passed the exams. Joined a private school for a monthly salary of Rs.1500.
Rays of happiness began to appear when I mingled with the students. My small salary enabled me to eat out, watch films and join a driving school. I took driving license along with two other colleagues.
Went to Andhra Pradesh to join a school. Hot climate. Did the work well but at the age of thirty, I was struggling with one of the biological needs that could not be experienced for fear of society and law. Internally I wanted to be a good individual but the power of the basic instinct was unbearable. The internet had become part of everyone’s life. I searched for the possible chances of amorous adventures. Hard decision-am I guided by the dark effects of lust or am I just doing something natural? Anyway, I decided to have it. That was followed by another two.
Discussing these things with my native people is not at all possible. I wrote to my pen friend in Germany about my life and she gave reassurance. Everything is normal.
Reached the Maldives for work . Forbidden fruits came again. Maldivians are liberal and I learned a lot from them. I visited Thailand and Malaysia. Tests for the virus-all negative. My adventures continued till 2013. Before that I had joined government service in my state.
Marriage at the age of 39. All my secrets I disgorged on to the face of my lady. I do not know how to keep my mind safe. Open heartedness is not good here in this part of the world. My wife did not leave me. I may be able to lead a decent life from now onwards. I have now thirteen more years of service. Do the duty diligently, do not yield to temptation and save every penny.
Dream – After retirement, visit liberal countries and have a second round of activities.
Prayer – God, let me be what I am and I know that doing harm to others is sin. I offer all my activities to you. Give enough control but be kind enough to give me nice moments.