Choices

Back home, people tend to be slightly surprised that anyone would want to be a professor. I guess that is because it was a position of little prestige and even less gold. The vast majority of people simply dismiss the idea as absurd. The popular image that pops into the mind of most when they hear the word professor is an old man in a brown tunic and spectacles who only comes out of his study to give the occasional lesson to pupils. People desire to be merchants or knights or wizards or perhaps even alchemists; but professors? No one wants that. The truth is, I did not wish to be a professor any more than they do and honestly I’m not sure than I really desire to be one even now. Something occurred, however, that made me realize that what I desire does not matter most; it is the King’s plan that matters most. Perhaps the King intends to use those who I instruct to someday change the world in greater ways than I could possibly hope to do on my own.
The story begins one afternoon in the middle of a blistering heat wave. I exited the musty study room and gulped in fresh air greedily. I made the beeline for the courtyard, strapping my blade to my back as I hurried down the halls and then wove my way through the crowd in the courtyard heading out through the portcullis. Once I was out, I slowed down a bit and gazed back at the majestic castle that stood out as a beacon of light in my broken and dark world. I looked sadly at the beautiful scenery all around it as I thought of how the Lord of shadows had twisted everything in this once perfect creation. As I strode away from the castle, however, my mind turned toward more immediate events and problems. I was almost done with the first steps of my training and my studies were nearly complete, but I had yet to choose how to proceed. I knew I must travel, for there was no place to continue my training here. I did not want to leave, but it seemed I had no choice. I had always loved the idea of becoming a Ranger, a brave knight that traveled the land challenging all evil in his way. My imagination whisked me away to a barren wasteland where I was boldly facing down a giant ogre! His shapeless lump of a face twisted into a repulsive grin of anticipation as he hefted a bloody spiked club onto his shoulder. A deep and gravelly voice rumbled through the air, calling out my name, “JASON!” I steeled myself in preparation for what followed, but what followed took me completely by surprise! “Jason, I need to talk to you!” I blinked in confusion, the voice no longer sounding deep or gravelly as I came back to reality with a slight shock. I grinned sheepishly and called back, “Coming dad!”
The conversation that followed was filled with mixed emotions. I had no idea what to think. I kept an interested, or even slightly excited veneer up for my father but once he left doubts assailed me from all sides. An intense battle raged inside me. Millizla! My father had just advised that I go to Millizla! I had only heard tales told about the Land of Islands and I had never thought to go there. I had always taken it for granted that I would go to Koraje, the mighty kingdom of the north, but I had never really wanted to because of how distorted Truth had become. Therefore, the idea of anywhere else was exhilarating. My love of adventure drew me toward the thought of such a bold and daring move and kindled a fire of excitement in my eyes.
And yet, it wasn’t really in search of adventure that I would be going. Did I really want to be a professor? I pictured myself sitting in a musty study room with no windows trying to pour over a huge textbook by lamplight while an untidy pile of other open volumes lay off to the side. No, I definitely did not want to become a professor. An uneasy feeling began to worm its way into my chest though. My dad had said it was my choice. He had only advised me to go. Why then did it feel like I had to go? This uncomfortable sense of duty began to settle over me firmly, effectively dousing my initial reaction of excitement. It was something about the way he had said it or the way he thought it was such an amazing opportunity; how could I take the disappointment from my dad if I didn’t go? “It is only three years,” part of me argued. I could survive three years couldn’t I? But doubt clawed away at even this thought.
By the next day Millizla had been safely deposited in the back of my mind, away from prying thoughts that could bring doubt and worry, or at least, so I thought. To my horror, throughout the day everyone I came across asked me eagerly, “Is it true that you’ll be going to Millizla?”
While trying to smile nonchalantly, my reply, “maybe”, never seemed quite the right answer. I had replied the same to my dad the day before, honestly admitting that the idea intrigued me, but I hadn’t given my answer. What was I supposed to do? Everyone expected me to go now. Turning the corner, I paled slightly as I ran into my dad. I knew what was coming. I steeled myself, knowing what I would have to answer. Before he had even spoken I burst out, “Yes! My answer is yes. I will go to Millizla.”
He seemed slightly taken aback, but his confused hesitation quickly melted into I wide grin.
“I’m proud of you son.”
I smiled back, but the smile left soon after he did. Doubts began bouncing around in my head once more as I made my way to the castle gate. I strapped my long hunting knife to my side and strode off moodily towards the woods around the castle grounds. What was I thinking? A professor, really? I began to feel resentment again at the expectations of those around me. Why did I feel forced to go? Why did everyone expect me to? My brow furrowed angrily as I barreled along thoughtlessly. Ignoring the voice in my head telling me not to let my guard down I continued on. What did I care if there were monsters out there? There were always monsters, waiting to attack when they see weakness.
“I’m not weak!” I yelled at the voice cautioning me inside my head.
My gait did not slow as I reached the woods. The sun was beginning to set in the distance by now and long shadows began taking hold of the land. Something didn’t feel right, but I ignored the feeling in proud stupidity and continued walking, paying no attention to where I was going. The forest soon filled with shadows as darkness began to overtake it. I glanced around nervously, but did not alter my course. I felt the air grow colder and the green leafy trees were suddenly replaced by gnarled and twisted swamp cypresses, their skeletal branches creaking eerily in the breeze. The stench of marshland began to overtake my sense of smell and the fog became thick and impenetrable. I swatted my hand angrily at the mist floating lazily past as I finally began to realize the situation my foolishness had lead me into. Fear seeped its way into my heart. I turned, frantically trying to remember the way I had come. The feeling of fear clunked nearer by the second. It seemingly drew all my hopes slowly out of me. The clanking of chainmail on armor filled my ears as I remained paralyzed where I stood. “Snap out of it! Run you idiot!” I caught sight of the black armored figure emerging from behind a tree. The mist around him turned the color of midnight and shot toward me like tendrils of darkness. Finally heeding the voice in my head, I turned tail and ran!
Not stopping to look back I stumbled desperately through the forest. The trees flew past me, I lost all sense of direction and still the voice in my head yelled: “Run! Run! Run! Run!” My heart beating like a jackhammer, I finally collapsed on the ground and the voice stopped. I listened carefully, but absolute silence surrounded me. Slowly I let out the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. The feeling of fear was gone, leaving only my throbbing heart as a reminder. I shuddered, Dread, the Black Knight, was a horrible enemy. Only in the deepest, darkest parts of the forest did he appear.
I stood up and scanned the woods around me, hoping for something, anything familiar to greet my eyes. My face contorted into a scowl when I realized I was lost. I knew I needed simply to call my trainer. He could speak to my mind to lead me back, or even appear and accompany me back if he wanted to. He was brother to the King and oversaw all training and he was extremely powerful. I knew it was his voice that had saved me from Dread; I knew I should be grateful; I knew I should call to him and thank him. But I didn’t. The feeling of resentment was coming back; resentment towards my father, my family, and everyone else that expected so much from me. Bitterness began to seep through me. A chill ran down my back as icy fingers seemed to wrap around my shoulder. Horror dawned on my face as I realized what was happening. I drew my knife and spun around causing my shoulder to wrench away and shooting icy pain through my chest. An icy snort and a growl greeted me as I faced another monster, one who had defeated me before. Icer he was called, and his familiar features looked even more sinister than usual tonight. He stood a little under six feet, his semitransparent blue skin only magnified by armor made completely of ice. He had a lithe and wiry figure with long razor-sharp claws made of ice as his only weapon. I clutched my half-frozen, injured shoulder as we circled, staring each other down. I chanced a quick glance at the wounds. Three deep gashes ran from my clavicle all the way over my shoulder. I winced as pain arched through my body. Although the wounds had not bled at all they were now beginning to turn a sickly shade of purple. The monster sneered through his helm, an evil laugh escaping his frosty lips, and a wave of bitterness flooded through me. His hissing voice started whispering in my head.
“Why should you lissten to your father? He hasss always told you what to do, you should be able to make your own choice!”
I fought against the voice, “My father said I could choose, he gave me the choice.”
“Did he? Did he really give it to you? You know he wantsss you to go, you know he’ssss coercing you. You only want to go sso you don’t disappoint him!”
My eyes started blurring and I struggled to keep my head up and knife arm between me and the monster. “That’s not true!” I yelled.
“You don’t want to go, you don’t want to leave her… yesss… you know it’ss true!”
My heart jumped, I knew who the voice was talking about. “Don’t bring her into this! I would have to leave anyways!”
“Would you? If you had your way… would you?”
I kept quiet. I knew I wouldn’t, bitterness was winning. My knife hand burned and my head was swimming. “Yessss! It’ss all their fault! Everyone expectsss you to be perfect! To do what no one elsse would! Why should you? They are all jerksss!”
I felt my mind agree with the voice. It was right, it was their fault! If it weren’t for them; if it weren’t for my father, I wouldn’t have to leave here.
“Yesssss… you could sstay here… with her,” the voice whispered soothingly.
An image of a girl with beautiful big brown eyes full of expression and cute dimples flashed through my mind.
“You lie,” I shook my head weakly as though trying to get the voice out of there, “I still couldn’t; I would still have to leave.”
The voice ignored me. “You don’t want to be a professor, your desiresss lie elsewhere.”
“Teaching… Is… my best… choice” But as the words gasped out of my mouth, I realized I didn’t actually believe them. I stumbled and collapsed to my knees, my whole body convulsing from the icy poison coursing through my veins. I heard the monster’s hysterical laugh drawing nearer. The now physical voice whispered, “You belong to me! The King does not care for you or even know what he is doing! Come with me!”
Bitterness towards everyone and everything seemed to penetrate my very soul as his claw like hand wrapped around my neck, but it was not quite the end. One last thought ran through my head as I felt myself fading, the thought that I should have heeded from the beginning.
“My Lord, save me!” I lost all consciousness.
I woke up to the sound of a crackling fire and the smell of breakfast. Groaning I grasped at my shoulder. It had been bandaged, and though it still burned something fierce, it was not nearly as bad as it had been. It felt like it had been days but still I could still feel some of the bitterness left in me. Failing in my attempt to sit up I turned sideways to see the fire. Behind the flames sat a man of huge proportions and the physique of a bodybuilder. He was at least eight feet tall and he had arms and legs as big as my waist. His mammoth sword lay within easy hand’s-length of him. Yes, this was my master. He looked up at me with a stern, yet gentle expression before looking back to the bacon he was frying over the fire. Shame flooded through me as I thought of what I had done recently.
“How are you feeling?” His deep voice seemed to shake the very trees around us.
“Not so good” I admitted honestly. I winced as I tried to readjust my posture. He continued to fry the bacon up, occasionally sprinkling some sort of seasoning on top. There were a couple loaves of bread warming up on a stone by the fire. I simply watched quietly, my mouth watering at the smell. It gave me time to think though.
“Is teaching what you want me to do with my life?” I asked suddenly. My burly master smiled but he gave no answer. I thought about recent events. It had been me, not anyone else that had chosen to teach. My father had given me a choice. I had jumped to conclusions and made my decision rashly. I didn’t have to do what others expected.
“What if I back out? What if I go tell my dad that I don’t want to?”
My master stopped what he was doing and looked straight into my eyes.
“This isn’t about what you want. It’s about what is best and what will glorify the King. It’s about the opportunities given to you and whether or not you will take advantage of them. It is your choice, but it only makes sense to make sure it is the best one.”