Undiscovered Love

It’s almost 2 years now since we were house together in one building. We have the same school, the same course and we are classmate. Everyday I’m facing the reality that I’m hurt every time I see him. He is tall, handsome and Jamming his name, Joshua. Pretty name right? He always makes me smile, every time he did this it was strange feelings for me.
Among the students in our dormitory, he is my favorite person to get along with. He is very funny and when it’s time for serious matter he become serious too, more than what you expect. My roommate/close friend has crush on him and Joshua has crush towards my close friend Nichole. I always tease them saying that they look cute together. I always mentioned the name Nichole every time we have conversation. I always did this until such time that I found myself, falling for him. I don’t know when it starts, all I know I’m in love with the guy that has crush to my close friend.
Now I’m hurt every time I tease them. I’m hurt if I saw him talking with girls. I get jealous every time I saw then talking each other. I don’t have the right to get Jealous because in the first place his not my Boyfriend and I’m not his Girlfriend, I’m JUST his FRIEND. I’m hurt again when one day Mark his friend teases me about his call sign to me which is Mendo from my last name Mendoza. I told Mark to stop calling me in that name and I told him to just call me yoj instead since my name is Joy and I told him that Joy..Yoj is a unique name. But Joshua interrupted and looks at me and he says the yoj is not a unique, because his ex-Girlfriend was yoj also. Sad to say that split together after a strong typhoon came to their place. I don’t know what really happen to their relationship that’s all I know.
Every hour, every day he always says “Hello Joy” with a killer smile in his handsome face. Before he told me his story about his ex-girlfriend this phrase of him completes my day. From that day that he told me about his story, every time he smile at me and say hello my mind set is that he just give me attention because me and his ex-Gf have the same name. It’s heart breaking thinking this mind set, but there’s another side of me that is happy because after all he give attention to me which is I like. I love him more every time he gave me attention.
It’s almost two years now that we’ve been together and we are classmate in this span of time. We are not that close when we was still first year but when we reach second semester of our first year life, we are already close and often we have conversation, serious, academic or funny things. Until we reach second year college. It was October 9 the first semester of our second year life is about to end, It was our final week and while waiting for our next teacher, my seatmate saw a code name Orc-9 written in her table. When I saw it I recognize it as Joshua’s code name. I ask him confidently, “it’s your monthsary right? “ He just gave bubbly smile. Then I continued, “its you monthsary date?, the girl you told me, that you broke up after strong typhoon hits your place”. He just looks at me without any words and gave me a jerk and fake smile. Yes fake smile. I saw it, I feel it. It’s my first time seeing his smile being faked. When I saw him with Fake smile, I felt pain in my heart maybe I’ve said too much that make him upset, maybe the girl he told me before was dead during the typhoon and he’s still in grief. I don’t know. All I know during that time, is I’m afraid to lose him. I’m scared that he gets angry to me because I love him. I love him and the only me knows it. He ignore me after What Happen in school until we had lunch. I couldn’t explain what I feel during that day. Is this the start of parting our path? I will never see his smile again? Or hear his voice anymore talking to me? I’m scared, what if it happens all those stuff, what about me?
The same day we had our computer laboratory usage. He didn’t talk to me, he just ignore my presence. When I get in to my account the first thing caught my attention was his message. It was the first pop-up message that appear to my monitor. He wrote there “haha”, I ignore that message and after a seconds he send me again a message “Joy?”, This time I replied to him with this content t “????????????????”. I voice out my feelings about that message, I shouted “stop sending me a non-sense message” with drastic voice. From that he didn’t replied to me anymore.
That day is about to end and I’m losing hope that he will talk to me, talk to like before. During our dinner I was looking to him but he just look at me so I pretend I didn’t recognize his existence. After our dinner I keep the used plates, while holding those dirty plates going to dishwashing area’ he smile to me and cheer me up like what he did before. He cheers me up and gives me those cute and friendly smile. I’m overwhelm that were ok now!.
He doesn’t know about my feeling towards him. I doesn’t matter at all as long as I have him, I’m contented with it. I know were just friend and our relati0nship is until there. Having him in my side as a friend is a big thing for me, yes its heart-rending every time he talk to other girls but its ok I’m happy with our non-sense conversation. I’m afraid to lose him, I don’t know!. Were not in relationships. he don’t love me more than a friend, but I get jealous and afraid to lose him in my life. I happy and contented with his simple “hello”, the jerk smile that makes me fall in love every time he did this. Now I’m trying to treat him like my brother though it hurts but I need to face the reality that our relationships will not go beyond the boundaries of friendships. It’s painful seeing him happy with other woman but I will be lonely if he is lonely. So I need to be happy for him, I should and I can, even f his happiness is my burden. I you love someone you will be happy for him even if the thing or the person that make him happy is not you!