The Red Pill

Note: this story was originally written as an "erotic" story, or a tale involving strongly sexual scenes. This is the "clean" version, meaning the explicit details have been removed. Nonetheless, I think the story still stands strong on its own. Enjoy!

In the typical manner of all red-blooded American males, the two young men greeted each other with a half hug and a hard clap on the back.

“Dang, bro, it’s good to see you!” said Deke.

“Likewise,” said Robert, stepping back. “Looking good, man. How’s it going for you up there at the university?”

“Pretty sweet,” said Deke. “I’m still warming a bench most games but Coach is talking of putting me in for the game next month. No complaints there, it’s my first year and I've still got a lot to learn. But holy crap, you should see the chicks up there on campus. Hot!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Man, I'll be honest with you,” said Deke, favoring the younger man with a sly wink, “I've been getting more action than a toilet seat lately.”

“Oh awesome,” said Robert with a faltering smile.

“What about you, brother? You're a senior now. I bet you're scoring right and left too.”

“Well…” said Robert, “actually not so much.”

“What? Why?” asked Deke, easing his lanky body onto the hood of the family station wagon.

“Well,” said Robert, unable to meet his friend’s gaze, “I don't know what's going on, actually. Like for instance I met this girl last week at a dance. Everything seemed like it was going real good. Got her phone number and everything. Called her the next day to ask her out and she gave me the cold shoulder. Acted like she didn’t even know me.”

“Ah, a flake,” said Deke. “Probably your bridge wasn’t good enough.”

“Huh?”

“Dang, man, didn’t you read those books I sent you?”

Robert said nothing. The screen door squealed on its hinges and Robert’s mother stepped out onto the carport. “Oh hello Deke,” she said. “So nice to see you. How are things up at the university?”

“Pretty good, Mrs. Dickson,” said Deke, hopping to his feet. “Coach says he’s gonna let me start in the game next week.”

“Well that’s wonderful,” said Robert’s mother. “Didn’t expect to see you back so soon from the university. Thought you’d be too busy with your studies.”

“Well ma'am,” said Deke, “actually I wasn't expecting to come back home so soon either. But it’s my aunt, you see. She’s in the hospital.”

“Oh dear,” said Robert’s mother. “Is she okay?”

“Hard to say,” said Deke. “Some kind of weird virus or something. I'm going to go check on here now but I just dropped by to see Robert while I was in town.”

“Well tell her I hope she has a speedy recovery,” said Mrs. Dickson.

“Thank you, ma’am. I will,” said Deke.

“Well I'll leave you two boys alone to catch up,” said Robert’s mother. “Good to see you again Deke. And give your family all the best.” And with that, she headed back inside the house.

“Jeez, is your aunt gonna be okay?” asked Robert.

“Dunno,” said Deke. “But the way my dad was telling me, it sounded pretty serious. Anyway, I am gonna head over there to the hospital now. But I think I can help you out with your girl problem. You got some free time this afternoon?”

“Yeah, definitely,” said Robert.

“Okay, I'll swing by around three. Then we can go sarging,” said Deke, getting his keys out of his pocket.

“Sarging?” asked Robert.

Deke laughed. “There’s lots to teach you, little brother. Sarging means going out and cruising for girls. It’s a slang term from those books I sent ya.”

“Ah,” said Robert, now wishing he had read the huge stack of literature Deke had sent him about picking up girls. But really, it had all seemed like too much work to plow through so much material. And anyway, how could some dumb book teach you how to pick up girls?

“Oh,” said Deke, “one more thing. You still got those binoculars from your Boy Scout days?”

“Yeah, sure, I think so. Probably buried somewhere in my closet.”

“Bring ‘em with you,” said Deke, sliding into the driver’s seat of his van. “You'll need ‘em.”

“What for?” asked Robert, but got no reply as Deke gunned the motor and pulled out of the driveway, waving out the window as he sped off.

---

Robert opened the passenger door and slid in. “Dang, man, when did you get to be so punctual?”

“Coach insists on it,” said Deke with a grin as they began to drive.

“Good to be back in the old Green Machine,” said Robert, patting the dashboard affectionately.

“Yeah she’s running great,” said Deke. “Okay, where to, champ?”

“I don't know,” said Robert. “I don't know what we’re doing.”

“I told you,” said Deke. “We’re going out sarging! I’m gonna teach you how to pick up girls, close and personal. So where around here do you think is prime hunting ground?”

“I don't know. A bar or something?”

“Naw, man, come on, think!” said Deke. “The only women in a bar at three in the afternoon are gonna be some old drunks. Come on, think! Where are all the cute girls hanging out around here on a beautiful Friday afternoon?”

“A coffee shop?” said Robert tentatively.

“Perfect,” said Deke. He named a local coffee shop. “That work for you?”

“I guess,” said Robert with a shrug.

“Okay, it’s important to remember that you picked the place,” said Deke imperiously. “You're gonna see me work my magic and I want to make sure that you know it’s not a set-up or something.”

Robert nodded his assent and a few minutes later they pulled into the parking lot of a local strip mall. Deke put his van in park and then took out a tin of mints, popping one on his mouth. The two young men walked into the coffee shop, the door gently clanging as they made their way inside.

“Okay, coffee’s on me,” said Deke, pulling out his wallet. “Scholarship money’s got me flush. Name your poison, brother.”

“Hmm,” said Robert, staring at the menu. “I'll have a mocha frappe with extra whipped cream,” he said after a few moments.

“Jesus,” chuckled Deke, “I'm not even sure a fairy drink like that even has coffee. But all right. Give me one of those, whatever he said, and a red eye for me,” he told the barista.

When the two of them had taken their drinks to a nearby table and sat down, Deke leaned in and spoke in a low voice. “Okay, here’s how it’s gonna work. I want you to scan around and pick out a hottie. When I say hottie, I mean a 10 out of 10. Don't waste my time with some chick who’s kinda cute but is dressed ugly or some chick with a big chest but kinda fat. No! Don't be obvious about it. Take your time. When you see a 10, I want you to say ‘Red Rover’. That's the code word.”

Robert nodded, a thrill running up and down his body. He looked at the barista. Yeah, she was kinda cute but she had mousy brown hair. He looked over at the customers and saw one girl, kinda good looking and wearing glasses, but something about her didn’t quite ring his bell. Two other customers were sitting by the window but they both looked older. Good looking, with nice haircuts and expensive clothes, but too old for his taste. A teenybopper was lounging on a sofa, but she looked too young. “I don't see a 10,” he said.

“Dang, man, I said take your time!” admonished Deke, taking a long swig of the bitter concoction in his cup.

Robert continued to scan around him, including at the customers walking past the coffee shop outside. The doorbell tinkled and a few more women came in, but none of them were 10’s. He saw one girl he vaguely knew from high school but she wasn’t quite a 10 either. She had a nice face but was dressed in baggy sweatpants. Deke would rib him good if he identified her as a 10. And then finally, he saw her.

She was walking on the sidewalk past the coffee shop, a gorgeous blonde with long hair. She was carrying a black jacket in her arm that was the same rich color as her painted-on jeans. He only got a flash of her from the front but her tight gray and black shirt left little to the imagination. Bam, a perfect 10!

“Red Rover, Red Rover,” said Robert, enthusiastically indicating with his thumb out the window at the blonde rapidly disappearing out of sight.

Deke flashed Robert his best grin and downed the last of his coffee with a single gulp. “Okay brother, stay here. Watch and learn!” He then dashed out of the coffee shop and down the sidewalk after the blonde woman.

Robert craned his head, just barely able to see his friend approach the woman. She turned to look at Deke and the two of them began talking. Even from this distance, Robert could tell that she was one of the hottest women he had ever seen, way out of his league. He’d never have the guts to even talk to a woman like that. But Deke seemed to be in his element, relaxed and joking around.

Whatever he was saying to her seemed to be quite charming as Robert saw her tilt her head back and laugh, her long blonde hair flashing in the sun. After a few more minutes of flirtatious chatting, Deke took his phone out of his pocket. The blonde woman then fished her phone out of her purse.

Whoa, said Robert to himself, quite impressed. He remembered with dismay that it had taken him over an hour of fumbling, sweaty conversation last week to get the girl’s phone number. Deke had needed less than five minutes. Amazing.

Deke said something else to the blonde angel, causing her to laugh. And then Deke turned and headed back towards the coffee shop, the blonde woman turning to continue on her way. Robert was abuzz with excitement, eager to pepper his friend on how he had gotten the digits so fast, but to his shock Deke did not come into the coffee shop. Instead, he turned and jogged after the blonde woman.

Deke said something to her and then took her by the hand. Together they looked both ways and then walked across to the parking lot and headed over to Deke’s big green van. A moment later Deke had the door unlocked and the blonde woman climbed into the passenger seat. Robert craned his head and could just make out that Deke was now in the driver’s seat.

But the van was too far away for him to be able to see much so Robert took out his binoculars. After a few moments to adjust them, he aligned the binoculars on his friend’s bright green van. Deke’s face, now larger than life, swam into view, flashing him a huge thumb’s up. Robert grinned. And then, to his amazement, he saw the blonde woman lean over and put her head in Deke’s lap. Holy crap! Robert knew he shouldn’t keep watching but he kept the binoculars up to his eyes. How had Deke done it?

He was jolted out of his reverie by the barista clearing her throat. “Are you some kind of pervert?” she asked in a hostile tone.

“Oh no, no,” said Robert, lowering the binoculars, his face red. The barista cleared Deke’s empty cup from the table and stalked away. Afraid to further embarrass himself, Robert kept the binoculars on the table and finished his mocha frappe in silence.

After about 10 minutes, the doorbell tinkled and Deke stepped in, a mile-wide grin on his face. He slid into the booth opposite Robert. “So brother, what do you think?”

“That was… amazing!” said Robert. “How in the world did you do that?”

“Shhh, trade secret,” said Deke. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” The two men hopped up from the table and made their way across the parking lot to the van. Once both doors were closed, Robert could no longer contain his excitement.

“Wow, man, was she doing what I think what she was doing?” he asked.

“Yep, yep,” said Deke nonchalantly, as if that kind of thing happened to him all the time.

“Man, I can barely get a girl to go on a date with me and you meet a super hottie and get her to spend some intimate alone time with you in less than 15 minutes. You got to tell me your secret!”

“Well,” said Deke, “listen, you really should read the books I sent you. They’re written by masters, guys who really know how to pick up girls.”

“So that's it?” asked Robert breathlessly. “If I read those books, I can get that kind of success too?”

“Well…” said Deke, looking uncomfortable. “Look, the books help, they really do. And there are videos too. All that helps a lot. But… well I really promised the guy I wouldn’t tell anyone about this. But you’re my little bro, right? And you can keep a secret.”

“Heck yes,” said Robert.

“Really, my advice is read the books and watch the videos,” continued Deke in a stern voice. “It’s hard work until you get the hang of it. But they really do work.”

“Okay, okay,” said Robert impatiently. “But what's your secret weapon?”

Instead of replying, Deke fished out a tin of mints from his pants pocket. Opening it, he showed Robert the contents. The front of the tin bore the label of a famous brand of mints but inside were three bright red pills.

“Pills?” said Robert incredulously. “My goodness, are you drugging those women?”

“No, no, god no!” said Deke, snapping the tin shut. “Those pills aren’t for the ladies, man. They’re for me.”

Robert’s eyes widened in amazement. “Like some kind of Viagra thing?”

“No, no, no, it’s, uh… it works in a different way,” said Deke, putting the keys into the engine and starting the motor. For several minutes, he said nothing, concentrating only on driving. But as they got closer to Robert’s home, he spoke up once more.

“Listen, I shouldn’t be doing this but you're like the little brother I never had. The guy swore me to secrecy but I think I can trust you,” said Deke.

“Guy? What guy?” said Robert.

“First off, the guy is crazy. He’s an old soldier and lives by himself, real character. Long story how I met him. But he knows all kinds of stuff and he’s the one who sold me these pills. They cost 500 bucks apiece,” said Deke soberly.

“Fudge,” said Robert.

“Yeah, they’re expensive. But they work,” said Deke, the grin returning to his face. “Dang skippy they work! So I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one.”

“Whoa,” said Robert.

“But before I do, I need to make sure you use it right. So tell me, you got any hot dates lined up? Or invitations to parties where some real beautiful women might show up?”

“Hmm,” said Robert. “You remember Old Man Johnson’s farm? Well I heard there’s gonna be a party out there tonight. Some guys said they’ll have a couple of kegs of soda and a bonfire. Should definitely be some girls.”

“Man, I wish I could join you,” said Deke as he swung his van into Robert’s driveway. “But my aunt’s worse off than I thought so I'm gonna go to the hospital tonight and keep my dad company.”

“Oh bummer,” said Robert. “I was hoping you were gonna show me more tricks on how to pick up girls.”

“Wish I could, brother,” said Deke, putting the van in park. “I really shouldn’t be doing this but here you go,” he said, opening the tin and handing one of the red pills to Robert. “These things are strong but you got to follow my instructions exactly.”

“I promise I will,” said Robert, carefully stashing the pill in his pants pocket.

“Okay,” said Deke. “Wait until you're absolutely sure you've found the right girl. Don't waste it on anything less than a perfect 10. Second, it takes a few minutes for it to have any effect. And last but definitely not least, the pill only works for an hour. After that, you might as well be popping Vitamin C.”

“Okay, okay,” said Robert, nodding enthusiastically.

“And when I say an hour, I mean an hour exactly,” said Deke sternly. “So set your watch or something because when that hour is up, it is up. Okay brother, this is your stop. Good luck tonight!”

“Thanks man,” said Robert, shaking his friend’s house before hopping down from the van. He turned and waved as his friend drove out of sight.

Robert crashed through the screen door and into the kitchen, where he saw his father sitting at the table.

“Hey dad,” he said breezily.

“Hi there son,” said Robert’s father. “Was that your friend Deke’s van I just saw flying down the road? Your mother said he had come back to town for a visit. Sorry I missed him.”

“Um, yeah,” said Robert. “Hey, uh, dad, do you think I can borrow the station wagon tonight?”

Robert’s father grinned as he pulled his key ring from his pocket and tossed it over to his son. “Why sure. Just take good care of it and fill it up with gas. Oh, and don't forget your curfew is 1:00 am. And no drinking and driving. Do you hear me, son? I will tan your hide if I catch you driving my wagon drunk!”

“Thanks dad! And don't worry, I'll be good,” said Robert, turning to dash up the stairs and enter his bedroom. He flopped down on his bed and then took the pill out of his pocket, looking at it carefully.

It was one of the capsule kind, the two halves neatly joined, with probably some kind of powder inside. The whole thing was quite large, as big as some vitamins he’d seen. The outside was a bright red, a strong, strident color he’d never seen before in a pill. Usually pills had a code or manufacturer’s mark on them but this one had nothing.

Robert wondered if the pill would make him have funny feelings inside. Nah, Deke was going to college on a basketball scholarship and subject to drug testing at any time. No way would he risk that for some stupid pill. And if it wasn’t like Viagra, he wondered how it worked. Not that he needed any Viagra, not at his age. Just thinking about girls got him very excited.

Robert put the pill in his nightstand drawer and carefully slid it shut. He pulled off his jeans and then slid under the sheets. Images of the blonde woman’s head bobbing up and down in Deke’s van flooded his mind. Almost unconsciously, he reached down between his legs and began adjusting himself. If he met a chick and she was interested in spending time with him, he’d be in heaven. God, he sure hoped that pill worked!

---

Staring at the handwritten directions in the light of the instrument panel, he slowly angled the station wagon down the bumpy country road. Robert wasn’t sure he’d found the place until he saw the glow of the bonfire. Rolling down his window, he could hear the bass thump of music.

A few minutes later Robert eased his station wagon into a gap between two other cars and came to a stop. Turning the car off, he patted his shirt pocket for about the 500th time, making sure he still had the red pill. Nervous as heck, he steeled his nerves and got out of the car, being sure to lock it behind him.

The party was in full swing, knots of people standing around the bonfire, cups in their hands. He waved as he saw two guys from his high school. “Hey Greg, hey Zander,” he said as he approached.

“Hey Robert, awesome party, bro. You just got here?” said Greg.

“Yeah.”

“Grab yourself a cup, man,” said Zander. “Keg’s right over there.”

“Looks like this party is gonna be off the hook,” said Greg, taking a long drink from his cup. “I heard some chicks from the high school on the other side of the valley are coming.”

“Sounds good,” said Robert, subconsciously tapping his shirt pocket once again. “Okay guys, I'll see ya around,” he said, heading towards the line in front of the soda keg.

“Five bucks,” said the brute manning the keg, a guy Robert didn’t recognize. He looked older, probably a university student. Robert forked over the money. He knew his father was serious about drinking and driving but he wanted something to hold in his hand.

Slowly sipping his soda, he meandered around, scoping out the girls. As he was walking, two guys passing him jostled him, the soda sloshing onto Robert’s sleeve. “Hey fucknuts, watch where you're going!” shouted one of the guys, a big jock wearing a letter jacket from the high school across the valley. His companion laughed.

Cursing to himself, Robert cradled his half cup of soda and walked over to inspect the groups of people standing further out from the bonfire. He saw one girl that he knew from his science class, Jennifer Robertson. Nah, she was okay but she wore glasses and wasn’t his type. She was talking to another girl he knew from around school, Lina Huffington, but she wasn’t much his type either, being way into black t-shirts and hard rock for his taste. The third girl in their group was obese and so he turned and headed back toward the bonfire.

After half an hour of nursing his soda, Robert was about to give up all hope of finding a girl worthy of the red pill. And then he saw her.

She was incredibly hot, a vision of long brown hair cascading to her waist. She was standing halfway turned away from him, talking to a chubby girl with red hair. The woman was wearing tiny jean shorts, the blue denim perfectly molded to her petite rear. On top she was wearing a loose, billowing white T-shirt cut short enough to reveal her flat stomach. As she laughed at something the redhead said, Robert saw that the beautiful girl’s chest was ample and full, causing the shirt to curve out at the top in a way that made him feel excited.

This was definitely the girl! Taking a step back so she wouldn’t see him, Robert used the last of his soda to wash down the large red pill. Remembering Deke’s instructions, Robert glanced down at his phone and saw it was exactly five minutes to 9:00. He decided to wait until it was nine o'clock exactly before making his move.

To his dismay, however, the brunette goddess and the redhead were soon joined by a large athletic guy. Robert’s stomach sank as he recognized the jock who had jostled him earlier. The guy was talking to the brunette, saying something in a loud voice. Fudge! Was that her boyfriend? If so, he had just wasted Deke’s pill for nothing. But apparently his luck was in as the brunette looked angry and pushed the jock away. “I was just kidding,” said the guy as he walked away, “Jeez, can't you take a joke?”

Robert looked down at his phone. Nine o'clock exactly. Time to make his move. He walked over to the two. As he approached, he heard the redhead tell her friend, “Okay, I'm going in for a refill. Be right back.” Perfect! The brunette was faced away from him, now standing by herself. Now or never, he told himself, willing the pill to work its magic.

“Hi,” he said.

The brunette turned and gave him a sharp look, saying nothing. Robert felt his stomach flutter. Now what?

“Say, uh, this is a cool party,” said Robert, realizing how stupid he sounded as he spoke.

“Mm-hmm, yeah,” said the brunette, looking bored.

Not knowing what else to say, Robert gathered up his courage and continued to speak. “Hey, uh, did you hear the one about the horse?” he asked.

“What?” said the brunette, looking at him for the first time. He saw her short, billowing T-shirt was emblazoned on the front with the words “THE KILLS”. He had no idea what that meant.

“Uh, a horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender comes over and says, ‘Hey buddy, why the long face?’”, said Robert.

A small smile flitted across the face of the brunette. “Old one but a good one,” she said.

“Thanks,” said Robert, his courage now swelling in his chest. Buoyed by his minor success, he continued. “So, uh, I don't recognize you. Do you go to high school across the valley?”

The brunette laughed, a large smile crinkling her amazingly beautiful face. “High school? Good gracious, do I really look that young? Wow. No, I'm actually attending university. I'll graduate next year.”

“Wow,” said Robert. She looked so beautiful, so hot, her eyes two dark liquid pools. In a million years he’d never have the guts to approach such an attractive woman and yet here he was, and he was doing pretty good so far, he thought to himself.

“What about you?” said the brunette, taking a sip from her cup. “You here to flirt with some younger girls?”

“What, me?” said Robert, his chest burning with pleasure. “No, actually I'm in high school myself. It’s my last year as well.”

“Wow,” said the brunette. “Now it’s my turn to be surprised. You look older.”

“Thanks,” said Robert. “I get that a lot,” he said, lying through his teeth.

The brunette took a step closer to him, her eyes scanning him up and down. She lifted her arm and, to his surprise, ran a finger briefly down his chest. “You're pretty cute. How old are you? If something ends up happening between us, and I'm not saying it will, I want to make sure I'm not molesting a kid.”

“What? Oh gosh no,” said Robert, blushing profusely. “Uh, actually I just turned 18. I know that's unusual but, uh, for legal reasons, I'm already 18 even though I just started my senior year.”

“Nice,” said the brunette, extending her hand. “My name is Sabina, by the way.”

“Robert,” he said, shaking her hand. “So, uh, I couldn’t help but stare at your chest. Uh, I mean your shirt. What's THE KILLS mean?”

Sabina seemed not to notice his verbal faux paus. “Oh THE KILLS is my favorite band. They're the best. Kind of a rock/funk infusion with a bit of soul and ska. Oh and some hip-hop thrown in as well. I love just them!” she said with a squeal.

“Sounds good,” said Robert, still mystified by exactly what kind of music she was talking about.

Sabina continued to talk about the band, describing how she had danced for hours at their concert, what their musical influences were and other details that Robert could scarcely follow. While she was still gushing about the bass player’s “amazing” fingers, he surreptitiously checked his phone. Fudge! Forty minutes had already elapsed. He was rapidly running out of time.

“Say, uh, it’s getting kind of chilly,” said Robert. “You want to sit in my car?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” said Sabina. Surprising himself with his boldness, he took her hand in his. She willingly let him lead her over and around the bonfire until they got to the station wagon. Remembering to be a gentleman, he unlocked her door first and then he hustled around to the driver’s side.

Sabina continued to natter on about her favorite band. Robert glanced at his phone and saw he only had 15 minutes left. What should he do? She was still talking when he decided to strike. Stopping her in mid-sentence, he leaned over and planted a kiss on her full, voluptuous lips. She stiffened momentarily in shock and then hungrily returned his kiss.

Time seemed to stop as Robert continued to kiss Sabina, his tongue exploring her deliciously hot, wet mouth. Never in his wildest dreams could he imagine he’d be making out with such a hottie. Knowing that the clock was running out, he decided to go for broke.

Continuing to kiss her passionately, Robert reached over with his left arm, his hand embracing her flat stomach. Slowly he raised his hand higher, then higher, then higher still until he was now under her shirt. Sabina moaned with pleasure. Boldness surging through him, he began to massage her while continuing to kiss her passionately. Sabina was now groaning with pleasure and he knew for sure that the red pill was working.

Robert broke off the kiss and sat up in his seat. The windows were fogged up and he could only see a faint red smudge of the bonfire. Sabina was panting, her chest heaving. “My god,” she said. “I've never done anything like this before!” She turned to face him, her eyes flashing. “Do you want to take this to the next level?”

Yes! Robert nodded, trying to speak calmly and nonchalantly. “I think so,” he said. He quickly dug in his pants, his fingers clutching for his wallet. “Be gentle, Robert,” said Sabina over in the passenger seat, lifting her arms to strip off her scanty T-shirt.

Be cool, be cool, Robert admonished himself. His hands were trembling so much that he fumbled the wallet. “I am so excited now,” said Sabina from the passenger seat. Robert tore his gaze away from her perfect body. He tore off his pants. Using all his powers of mental concentration, he began to prepare himself for the next level.

Just as Robert finally managed to get himself ready, someone knocked loudly on the window. What the hell? Sabina instantly responded by crossing her arms and covering her breasts. The knock came again, loud and insistent. Sabina bent over and quickly put her T-shirt back on. She then used her hand to wipe away the condensation from her window.

“Sabina, are you in there?” came a loud female voice from outside the car. Robert looked over and groaned. It was Sabina’s redhead friend that she had been talking to earlier.

“Angie?” called out Sabina.

“Sabina!” yelled the other woman. “I've been looking for you, come on! We've got to go!”

Sabina turned and looked at Robert. “Um, sorry, I got to go. Too bad, really. I think we could've had some fun together.”

Without waiting for his reply, she leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Sabina then opened the car door and sprang out into the night. The red head slammed the car door shut behind her, leaving Robert all alone in the gathering silence.

Robert’s morale was at rock bottom. So close! Five more minutes, that's all he had needed. Five more rotten minutes! Angrily, he pulled up his shorts and fastened his pants. As he turned the key in the ignition, the dashboard instruments came to life. He looked down and saw the clock – 10:02 pm. Fudge! Sighing, he put the car in gear and slowly bumped over the parking area until his wheels found purchase on the main road.

When he got home, nobody was awake. Robert placed his father’s car keys on the kitchen table and dejectedly made his way up the stairs and into his bedroom. He undressed and slid under the blankets, utterly depressed by how the night had unfolded.

Switching off the light, he consoled himself in the way of all frustrated male teenagers everywhere, furiously releasing his frustration and then dropping off to sleep an eyeblink later.

---

Robert slept late the next morning and the sun was streaming through the windows of the house by the time he stumbled downstairs and into the kitchen.

Robert slumped into a chair. “How was your party last night, son?” asked his father.

“It was okay,” Robert muttered.

“Well we heard you come in early,” said his father. “It’s okay. I was a late bloomer myself. Don't worry, slugger, soon enough you'll be knocking the ladies dead.”

“I guess,” said Robert, pouring some cereal into his bowl.

“Listen, son, try to be quiet today,” said his father. “Your mother’s feeling poorly.”

“What's wrong with her?” said Robert as he noisily slurped his food.

“She's got a bit of a cough and she’s not feeling good, so she’s upstairs lying down,” said Robert’s father.

Robert only grunted. Seeing his son was not yet fully awake, Robert’s father returned to his newspaper.

Later that afternoon, Robert pedaled his bicycle over to his friend Deke’s house. The older boy was out front, lethargically tossing a basketball neatly into the hoop mounted at the end of his driveway.

“Hey man,” said Robert, as he let his bicycle crash to the ground with a clatter. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” said Deke glumly before sinking another basket. “It’s my aunt.”

“Is she getting better?” asked Robert.

“Nah,” said Deke, pausing to line up another shot. “She’s dead.”

“What?”

“Happened last night. My dad’s pretty broken up about it.”

“Jeepers! What happened?”

“Don't know. She was only 38 years old. The dang doctors have no idea what was wrong with her. They said she died of old age. I don't know how the heck that's possible.” Deke lined up another shot and the ball sank cleanly through the net.

“Crikey,” said Robert.

“Yeah. Couple of months ago she was fine. Nobody knows what the fudge happened. My dad was really close to his sister. He's inside now, just staring at the walls. Really messed him up.”

Robert had no response. He stood in the driveway and watched his friend sink baskets for a few minutes. “Hey listen, man, I tried that red pill last night.”

“Oh yeah?” asked Deke, turning to look at Robert for the first time. “How’d it go? Told ya that stuff worked miracles.”

Robert gave his friend a brief recap of the situation, complete with the unhappy ending.

“Oh man, that sucks,” said Deke. “But I warned you. Those things only last for an hour.”

“Yeah,” said Robert. “Hey, uh, do you know where I can get some more of those?”

“What?” said Deke, letting the basketball roll off the driveway. “I told you I got them from this weird guy. He's paranoid and secretive as heck.”

“I know,” said Robert. “You told me. And they're 500 bucks apiece. But man, you got to help me. I, uh, never told you this before but, uh, I'm actually still a virgin. Technically.”

“Dang!” said Deke, a small smile crossing his face for the first time. “That's a situation that needs fixing right away. Well, I don't know if I can still find the guy. He used to hang out at this dive bar on the other side of town. Real squirrelly guy. Anyway, do you even have 500 bucks?”

“Well, yeah,” said Robert. “I spent the last two summers cutting grass. And I helped the Widow Roberts with some odd jobs. Mom made me put all my money in the bank and I checked my balance online this morning. I got enough.”

“Hmm,” said Deke, walking over to the basketball and picking it up off the lawn. “Let me see if I still got his number. If I do, I'll give him a call. But I'm not promising you nothing.”

“Thanks, bro!” said Robert, hopping on his bicycle and speeding off before his friend could change his mind.

---

As they walked to the van, Robert shifted uncomfortably. His father’s suit, borrowed for the funeral, was itchy as heck.

Deke opened his door and then leaned over and let Robert in. As the van slowly rolled out of the cemetery, Deke rolled down one of the windows and lit a cigarette. Robert said nothing, silently watching the long rows of tombstones slide by.

After some minutes, Deke broke the silence. “So, uh, listen, you still interested in meeting that guy?”

“The guy with the red pills?” asked Robert, sitting up in his seat.

“Yeah, that guy. So you got the money?”

“We got to stop at the bank first,” said Robert.

“Which bank?” asked Deke. Robert told him. After a few minutes, Deke found a branch that was open. Robert dashed inside. Fifteen minutes later he re-appeared, his suit coat pocket bulging. “Okay, I got it,” he said, slamming the van door shot. “But this wiped me out. I got exactly 13 bucks left to my name.”

“It’s your call,” said Deke. “Okay, let’s go see the guy. First off, his name is Two Moons. Don't ask me why they call him that. And before you ask, I don't know his real name and don't ask him that either. He’s real jumpy, so let me do the talking when we get there.”

“Sure, sure,” said Robert, his face grinning with anticipation. Another red pill! If he got one more pill he knew he could succeed. No more wasting time on the next girl, that was for sure.

Soon enough, they arrived on a side street in one of the poorer residential areas in town. Deke slid his van to a stop at the curb. Robert looked over and saw a small house, weeds growing wild in the front yard, paint peeling off the front porch. Jeepers, what a slum.

Still dressed in their suits, the two young men walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. The sound bing-bonged in a series of echoes but there was no response from inside the house. All Robert could hear was the buzzsaw of insects in the muggy air.

Deke rang the doorbell again. After a lengthy pause, they could hear movement. The door cracked open and Robert saw a haggard, older man maybe in his early 50’s, dressed only in a soiled, tattered bathrobe.

“I dislike you, Mormons! I don't want any of the nonsense you're peddling!” the man shouted and then slammed the door shut.

Mormons? Robert then looked at how he and Deke were dressed and grinned.

Deke pounded on the front door. “Two Moons! It’s me, Deke, man. I called you earlier. We’re not Mormons!”

The door flew open. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” muttered the older man before retreating inside the house. Deke shrugged and then followed him inside, Robert close behind.

The house stank of stale soda and piss. The front room might've once been a living room but it was now piled high with newspapers and boxes. The man in the tattered robe came to the end of the hall and turned right. Deke and Robert followed him into a smaller room with two couches. “Have a seat,” said the man, shoving a pile of clothes and styrofoam food containers off one of the couches to make room for them.

Robert sat down, his eyes taking in the scene before him. A long, low coffee table sat between the couches, every surface piled high with a mélange of twisted, crushed soda cans, cigarette butts and pizza boxes. One petrified slice lay congealing on the corner of the table, a bevy of flies sampling its fragrant wares. The thick fug of stale urine and soda was only slightly ameliorated by an extremely pungent column of incense smoke wafting from a clay container.

Two Moons collapsed on the opposite couch and began coughing heavily, finally turning and spitting noisily to his side, a thick gobbet of phlegm spattering the floor next to him. “Flipping ciggies,” said Two Moons as he lit up a cigarette.

Having been forewarned, Robert said nothing. It was taking all his willpower not to openly gawp at the older man. His arms and chest, where skin was visible through the robe, were covered with tattoos, the dark blue ink intertwined in a tangle of designs and shapes that he couldn’t identify. A curving tooth or bone was thrust through his left ear. His face was grizzled, covered in uneven silvery whiskers, but his head was almost completely bald.

“So what brings you two lads to my humble abode?” said Two Moons, coughing heavily as he puffed on his cigarette.

“Well, sir, as I said on the phone, we’re interested in some more of those, uh, red pills,” said Deke.

“Hold on,” said Two Moons, lifting one finger as his body convulsed from another coughing fit. “Need to wet my whistle,” he said, heaving his body up from the couch. The older man walked to the adjacent kitchen and opened the battered white refrigerator, taking out a soda. He then hobbled back to the couch. Slurping noisily, he took a long swig from the can and then pushed aside one of the pizza boxes to set it down on the table.

Two Moons belched loudly and took another drag on his cigarette. “Now what was that again?” he said. Robert wrinkled his nose as the foul stench of the older man’s burp wafted its way into his nostrils a moment later.

“I said we’re interesting in buying one of your red pills, sir,” said Deke in his best polite voice.

“Pills?” said Two Moons, digging into his left ear with the pinky of his hand. “Ecstasy? Vicodin?”

“No, sir, the red pills,” said Deke.

“Red pills?” said the older man. He noisily guzzled the remainder of his soda and then crumpled up the can, tossing it onto the pile on the coffee table. “Speed?”

“No, uh, the lady pills,” said Deke.

The older man said nothing, seemingly not comprehending. Then his gaze caught site of Robert for the first time. Fixing his rheumy red eyes on the younger boy, Two Moons snarled, “And who the fudge are you?”

“Robert, uh, is my name.”

“Is that a fact?” said the older man, leaning back on the couch cushions. He shook out another cigarette from his battered pack and lit it. “Well, Robert, you look like a baby to me.”

Robert said nothing, startled by the vehemence in the older man’s voice.

“You ever killed a man, Robert?” asked Two Moons.

“Uh, no sir, not yet,” said Robert nervously.

Two Moons guffawed with laughter. “Not yet, eh?” he said. “Not bad. Not a bad answer at all, son. You look like a pathetic little boy tricked out in that monkey suit but maybe there's hope for you yet.”

Robert said nothing, afraid of antagonizing the crazy old man.

“You ever heard of a little country called Guyana?” Two Moons asked.

“Uh, no,” said Robert.

“Flipping public schools,” muttered Two Moons. He turned and coughed violently, spitting once again on the floor near the corner of his couch. “Whole flipping country is one big jungle. And I ain't talking about that weak Hollywood fantasy garbage that you're probably thinking of. The white men carved out a slice of that jungle to build their cities along the coast but the rest of the country is pure jungle. Every dang thing in there, the plants, the bugs, the animals, it’s all out to kill you. Even some of the trees are poisonous. Drop your guard and you're dead.”

Two Moons paused his diatribe briefly as another fit of coughing swept through his body.

“Fought a little border action over there. Before you was born. Doubt your pathetic public school ever mentioned it. Two years in the inferno, boys. Our outfit was kitted out with Chinese SKS’s, the cheap version of the AK. Piece of crap guns, always jamming from the mud. But they worked well enough when the flipping things worked. Government would send us in to clear out them pesky injuns. They’d drop us in, we’d mow through ‘em so they'd get the message to clear off. But those stupid savages would always resist though. They'd hide out in the trees, sneaking past our perimeter at nighttime to huff their dang dart guns at us. Tips were coated in some kind of poison. Wicked stuff. They lived off monkey meat, those cockamamie Indians, and that stuff on their darts would drop ‘em out of the trees stone cold dead.”

Two Moons stubbed out his cigarette and immediately lit another one, which invariably led to another lengthy coughing session.

“Anyway, all’s right and well in the world ‘til one day I’m swapping out my clip. I’d just wasted about a hundred of them nappy-headed wogs when one snuck close enough to blow his dart at me. Little dang thing hit me in the arm. I barely noticed it, that's how tiny it was. Felt like a mosquito sting. Of course I ripped it out but I guess the poison got to me. Next thing I know I'm arse over teakettle, lashed to a bamboo pole, and about 10 of them darkies are hauling me through the jungle back to their village.”

The old man paused, taking a deep drag from his cigarette.

“You ain't never seen nothing like it in your picture books,” said Two Moons, continuing his story. “Just a bunch of mud huts, palm leaves on top to keep out the rain. Stank like garbage. Flies buzzing everywhere, landing on the kids’ faces, crawling around their eyes. Couple of mangy dogs slinking around. There's this big ole’ bonfire going in the center and the injuns dump me there on the ground. Chief comes out and does his grunty talking thing in their pig language. I look over and I see a couple of their women dragging out a big metal pot. Only piece of high technology they had.”

Two Moons paused, looking around for a moment. Realizing he had finished his earlier soda, he got up and stumped into the kitchen to get another one. After taking a long noisy drink, he returned to the couch and resumed his story.

“The wogs get that pot strung up over the fire and it don't take no rocket scientist to figure out I'm set to be the main course. I figure I'm a goner. After the head darkie finished his chinwag with his braves, they haul me over to one side of the fire and tie me to a stake in the ground. Only thing left is to wait for that water to boil. I look over and I see the saliva dripping down their faces. They can't wait to get a piece of me.”

Robert stared at the old man, completely mesmerized by his story.

“I'm busy as I can trying to saw through that rope with a rock that I found lying on the ground next to me. But it was some kind of jungle vine, tough as heck. I'm keeping my eyes on the wogs but they're all busy just staring at that pot and licking their chops. Finally by the grace of god I get one hand free. I reach down in my shorts to see if I got anything I can use as a weapon. I can't believe my luck. Of course they stripped me of my gun and my knife but the stupid wogs didn’t know what a grenade was. Probably thought it was a rock or some garbage. I pull the pin and I toss it right over to where the warriors were all standing around. Bam! Bits of darky meat go spraying everywhere. I get to my feet and I yank my back out of whack but somehow I got the stake pulled out of the ground. I'm still tied to the darn thing with my other hand but I ran straight into the jungle.”

“Holy crap,” muttered Robert under his breath, unaware that he was even speaking aloud.

Two Moons paused and let out another tremendous belch. “Of course it was no use. Them dang Indians know that jungle like the back of their hands. Couple of the surviving braves caught me in no time flat and hauled me back to the village. My goodness gracious, they were angry. Can you blame ‘em? I just turned half their guys into hamburger.”

“What did you do next?” said Robert, sitting tensely on the edge of the sofa.

“Oh fudge, where’s my manners?” said Two Moons. Unsteadily he rose to his feet and walked over to the kitchen, retrieving a small cigar box. He brought it back into the room and shoved a few of the soda cans onto the floor to make room for it. Opening the box, he withdrew a tapered white tube. “You boys smoke?” he asked.

“None for me, thanks,” said Deke. “I'm on my basketball team at school. If we win a game, that’s an automatic test.”

“More for me then,” said Two Moons, breaking into laughter. Using his lighter, he sparked up the herbal cigarette and took a long deep inhalation. His arms trembling from the coughing spasm, he passed it over to Robert. Holding the herbal cigarette gingerly, he slowly took a drag. The thick, acrid smoke was more than his inexperienced lungs could handle and he began to cough violently.

“If you don't cough, you don't get off!” cackled Two Moons, deftly snatching the herbal cigarette out of Robert’s trembling fingers. The older man took another long, deep inhalation, a beatific smile crossing his ruined face as he blew out an impressive cloud of smoke. Handing the herbal cigarette once more to Robert, Two Moons continued his story.

“So where was I? Oh yeah. The warriors drag me back to the chief and they're all mad as heck. They're ready to chop me up right there on the spot and forget the boiling water. But that chief had other ideas. He might've been an ignorant savage but he was a practical man. My grenade had blown his best guys to bits so he realized hiring me on was a better bet than tossing my scrawny hide into the pot. Anyway, they had plenty of fresh picnic supplies on hand,” said Two Moons with a guffaw.

Robert just barely managed to pass the herbal cigarette back to Two Moons. The smoke was hitting him like a freight train. His whole body felt heavy, the sounds of the older man’s voice sounding syrupy in the thick air. Robert’s eyes looked up at the wall, taking in for the first time that every available space was covered in a bizarre collection of masks, figurines and other kinds of aboriginal art.

“About those pills,” said Deke. Robert started giggling. His friend’s voice sounded high and girlish and it was the funniest sound he had ever heard. Two Moons flashed a smile and Robert saw with horror that the older man was missing several of his front teeth.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Two Moons, stubbing out the herbal cigarette in one of the overflowing ashtrays. “I ended up spending three years with those savages out there in the jungle. After a while I could even understand their pig grunt language too. I ended up becoming I guess what you could call an apprentice to their medicine man. Most of the garbage he did was just hocus pocus, rattling bones and other stuff around to impress the woggies. But those savages still know some of the old ways and not all of the shaman’s razzle dazzle was without merit.”

Robert gaped at the art on the wall, now realizing that it was probably authentic, carved by some nameless tribes from deep in the jungle. Sold to the right collector, it was probably worth a fortune, he realized.

“Anyway,” said Two Moons. “I learned a lot from those darkies. Later I got in a bit of a squawk with the medicine man and then hitched a ride with a passing Portuguese trader. Made it back to the capital and jumped on board a freighter. Long story short, by hook or by crook, I made it back to civilization. And here I am.” At the conclusion of his story, the older man burst into a fresh guffaw.

“You got the money, Robert?” asked Deke, turning to look at his friend.

“What? Huh? Oh yeah,” said Robert, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out the wad of crisp bills and set them down on the lid of a pizza box.

Two Moons frowned for a moment but then bent forward and scooped up the cash, stuffing it into one of the pockets of his tattered robe. He then walked into the kitchen and picked up a strange item, what looked to be a clay figurine, the body in the shape of a human but with the head of an alligator.

“That old medicine man, he told me the next man who understands women will be the first,” said Two Moons with a loud chuckle. “But still though, there are a few things which will charm the lovelier half of the human race.” Robert grinned, his face nearly splitting. Despite his earlier misgivings, he now found Two Moons to be quite charismatic.

Two Moons did something to the figurine and unhinged the head, revealing a hollow interior. He tipped the clay figurine until a red pill spilled out into his gnarled hand. Two Moons then picked up an empty cigarette pack from the coffee table and put the pill inside, handing the pack over to Robert.

“But that’s how it should be,” said Two Moons, lighting yet another cigarette. “Since the dawn of time, women always been choosy who they let in their pants. Whole dang world would grind to a halt if they let themselves get pregnant by every idjit and moron that came down the pike. You with me, boy?”

“Yes sir,” said Robert, his entire body still abuzz with the effects of the smoke.

“The medicine man told me ain't nothing for free,” said Two Moons, pausing to cough and spit once more in the corner. “I'm taking your money but I hope you're smart enough to take my advice. The recipe in that pill come straight from a savage in a loincloth living in the jungle but that pill will work, no doubt about it. But if one woman’s gonna take her clothes off for you when you ain't earned it, another woman has to pay the price. The forces of the earth got to stay in balance.”

Robert nodded, his eyelids heavy. He realized he was close to falling asleep. A moment later he felt Deke’s hand on his shoulders, shaking him back to full awareness. Lost in the fog of the smoke, he barely remembered getting to his feet and saying goodbye to Two Moons and stumbling out to the van.

He was snoring in earnest by the time Deke pulled up to his house.

---

When Robert woke up the next morning, his head was pounding and his mouth tasted like an old sock. He cracked open one bleary eye, taking in his surroundings. At first he couldn’t remember what had happened or where he was but then the events of yesterday came flooding into his mind. Sitting up in bed, he saw a battered cigarette pack on the floor.

He quickly bound out of bed and scooped it up, afraid that one of his parents might come in and see it and think he had started taking up smoking. He glanced inside, saw the red pill, and shuddered. He shoved it in his nightstand drawer before running to the bathroom and heaving his guts out.

Robert made his way down to the kitchen. “Hey dad, hey mom,” he managed to say, his voice a hoarse croak.

“Well hey there, slugger,” said Robert’s father. “How was the funeral?”

“It was okay,” Robert said, easing into a chair at the table.

“You want some breakfast, honey?” asked Robert’s mother. “I'm making pancakes.”

“Yes,” said Robert. His mother began taking items out of the cabinet but she paused halfway, bent over by a coughing spell.

“Gosh mom, are you okay?” asked Robert.

“Oh I'm fine, I'm fine,” said Robert’s mother, gaining her composure. “Just a bit of a cough. It was worse yesterday but today I think it’s clearing up.”

As delicious smells of hot food began wafting through the kitchen, Robert picked up some of the discarded sections of newspaper lying on the table. He idly paged through it, not paying much attention until a local story caused him to sit bolt upright in his chair.

Holy crap! Crystal Jade, the world famous supermodel, was in town at a department store at the local mall. The article said she would be there to launch her new clothing line and would be signing autographs that afternoon.

For years, Robert had considered Crystal Jade to be the most beautiful woman on the planet. She was so thin, her slender and willowy body a perfect compliment to her sparkling green eyes, full lips and high cheekbones. He blushed, remembering the many times he had stared longingly at her photograph in a magazine while he sat on the toilet. And now she was here at the local mall? Even under normal circumstances he would've been thrilled just to get a chance to see her in the flesh.

A big grin creased his face as he realized what was hidden upstairs in his nightstand drawer. Would the red pill work on a supermodel? Of course it would! He'd given the last of his money to that crazy old geezer. It had to work. The thought of being able to touch Crystal Jade, to caress her flawless, perfect skin, made his whole body tingle with excitement. Losing his virginity to the most beautiful woman in the world was just too perfect an opportunity to pass up.

Robert hungrily devoured his pancakes in record time. His father peered over the newspaper, one eyebrow cocked in mild surprise. “So what are your plans today, slugger?”

“Thought I’d go to the mall,” said Robert.

“Don't chew with your mouth full!” admonished his mother.

“Sorry,” said Robert, taking a healthy slug of milk to wash down the last of the food in this mouth. “Yeah, I was thinking of applying for a job.”

“Well I think that’s great, honey,” said Robert’s mother, bending over to give her son a hug. Her skin felt warm and feverish against his cheek.

“Wish I could lend you the car,” said Robert’s father. “But I've got to go meet Tom and crunch some numbers. You okay with taking the bus?”

“Sure,” said Robert. And why not? He didn’t need a car to impress Crystal Jade. All he needed was his red pill.

“I'm proud of you, son,” said Robert’s father. “It’s good to see you showing some initiative.”

“That's me, the guy with some initiative,” said Robert with a grin, the secret inside of him making his whole body burn with excitement.

---

Robert fidgeted as he waited for the bus to arrive. Would it really work? It had to, right? After all, he’d just blown his last 500 bucks on the dang pill. But it would be so worth it if he got a chance to have an intimate encounter with Crystal Jade. All of his friends with their stupid bragging about girls in high school would have to shut up. Nothing could ever top losing your virginity to a supermodel. Nothing!

Riding on the bus to the mall, Robert pulled out his phone and began thumbing through the photos he had of Crystal Jade. Goodness gracious, she was so beautiful. He zoomed in on her face, still entranced by her elfin good looks. Her long blonde hair made her look like an angel, her dazzling white teeth and ruby lips making his heart race.

Would he really be meeting her soon? Oh my god. And if the pill worked, he’d be doing a heck of a lot more than just meeting her. Looking at her pictures, he got so distracted that he almost failed to get off the bus as it wheezed to a stop in front of the mall.

Long familiar with the local mall, Robert bounded up the escalator to the second floor, only to run headlong into the long line of people queued up at the entrance of the department store. Posters and signs everywhere advertised Crystal Jade’s appearance and it was clear that Robert wasn’t her only fan. No matter, he consoled himself, he could wait patiently. Especially when he knew that soon he’d be getting his reward.

The line moved at a snail’s pace and it was over an hour before he was far enough inside the department store to even catch a glimpse of her. Oh my god, he thought, she's even more beautiful in real life.

She was seated at a long table, dressed in what would be inappropriate for a normal person but was completely befitting a supermodel. From what he could see, she was wearing a simple white dress, almost like a nightgown but somehow a high fashion garment, two thin straps nearly falling off her perfectly rounded shoulders. The dress hung loose and limp on her, the gauzy fabric barely providing cover for her girlish chest. She was truly a goddess.

Two assistants dressed in black stood their posts on either side of Crystal Jade. As each person in line stepped forward, one assistant would take a photograph from the table and pass it over to Crystal Jade. As Robert watched, he saw her engage in some brief banter with each person. She’d then autograph the photo and the assistant would lean forward and hand it to the person. The other assistant stood with his hands behind his back, apparently a bodyguard of some kind. Occasionally Crystal Jade would take a sip of water or graze on a bowl of grapes set before her. Gosh, he couldn’t wait until it was his turn!

When there were just three people left in front of him, Robert gulped, nervous as heck. Showtime. He carefully felt in his pocket, exploding in panic when at first he couldn’t locate the pill. But then he found it. He looked at it, surprised at the size of it. It seemed bigger than the one he had gotten from Deke. Was it a different formula or something? Too late to worry about that now. Robert popped it in his mouth, nearly choking as he barely managed to swallow it.

And then, finally, at long last, it was his turn. He stepped forward to the table. Crystal Jade looked up at him, flashing him a dazzling smile. She was so danged beautiful. He was in love.

Her assistant handed her a photograph. Pen poised above the glossy, Crystal Jade looked over at him and spoke. “And what's your name?” she asked.

His tongue tied, his mouth dry, Robert could barely speak. “Uh, Bobby, uh, I mean Robby, uh, I mean Robert,” he finally managed to gasp.

“Relax Robert,” said Crystal Jade, her smile blinding him, her eyes a rich forest green. He felt he could get lost in those emerald pools forever. “I'm a person, just like you,” she said.

“Oh, I know,” stammered Robert. “It’s just… it’s just you're so beautiful.”

“Well thank you,” said Crystal Jade. She autographed the photograph with a flourish. The assistant bent over and handed it to him. “To Robert,” it read, “Thank you for your support! Crystal Jade.” Robert stood there frozen in place, the autographed photo clutched in one sweaty hand. What next? He waited for the red pill to work its magic.

But the assistant was having none of it. “Move along now,” he snapped.

What? Shouldn’t the pill be working by now? But Crystal Jade was already moving on to the next person, a pre-teen girl squealing with delight at a chance to meet her idol. The assistant gently pushed Robert away from the table. Dumbfounded, he took three steps towards the exit. What the fudge? Anger swept through him as he realized he’d been cheated. The crazy old geezer had taken his money and suckered him with some flimflam story about Indians in the jungle and medicine men.

Dejected, Robert was about to walk out of the department store when he heard a commotion. He spun around and saw Crystal Jade bent over, her tongue lolling out of her mouth. A hoarse cough could be heard and in an instant he realized that she was choking.

Before anyone could stop him, Robert dashed over behind the table and ran up to Crystal Jade. He stepped behind her chair and quickly wrapped his arms around petite chest. Remembering his first aid training from the Boy Scouts, he administered the upward thrusts, once, twice and then a third time. Crystal Jade coughed and then a small object flew from her mouth.

By this time the assistants were swarming around her, pushing Robert aside. “Are you okay? Are you all right, Crystal?” One assistant grabbed a water bottle and thrust it up to her beautiful, pouty lips. “Here, drink this.” Weakly, Crystal Jade pushed the assistants back and coughed a few more times before sitting back in her chair.

“I'm okay, I'm okay,” she sputtered. “Just give me some space and let me catch my breath.”

Robert stood there, the assistants not minding him as all of their attention was riveted on the supermodel. Crystal Jade then grabbed the water bottle and took a delicate sip. “I'm all right. I just choked on a grape, that's all,” she said somewhat crossly. Robert couldn’t believe his luck. He had just rescued the most beautiful woman in the world!

Seeing that the crisis was over, one of the assistants turned to face the crowd. “Okay folks, sorry but we’re going to take a brief pause. Miss Jade will return in a few minutes.”

The crowd sighed but Robert noticed their eyes were glistening with excitement, eager to see what would happen next. The two assistants helped Crystal Jade to her feet and began leading her to the back of the department store. Robert started to follow behind them but one of the assistants turned around and moved to block him.

“No,” said Crystal Jade. “Let him come with us. After all, he just saved my life.”

Robert grinned. This truly was his lucky day! And his eyes greedily drank in the sight of her now that she was on her feet. The loose white dress hung delicately to just above her knees, her long, golden legs ending in a pair of elegant white heels. My god, she truly was amazingly beautiful. Even the brief choking scare had made her look good, a healthy red color now visible in her cheeks.

The small entourage helped escort Crystal Jade to an area near the dressing rooms and the supermodel was gently helped to a chair. Crystal Jade slowly looked around, noticing Robert was still part of their group. “What was your name again?” she asked him.

“Robert”

“Okay Robert,” said Crystal Jade, her perfect white smile entrancing him. “I need you to come with me.” She held out her delicate, perfectly shaped hand. Robert quickly wiped as much sweat from his own hand as he could and gently took her hand in his own. Using him for help, the supermodel slowly rose to her feet.

He expected her to let go of his hand but she did not. Instead, she shooed away her assistants. “Give us some space. I want to talk to this young man who just saved my life.”

Chastened, the assistants could do nothing but watch as Crystal Jade led Robert into the dressing room area. Walking to the rear, she pulled back the curtain of the last dressing cabinet on the right and then stepped inside. Inside was a small bench, used for customers to sit, and Crystal Jade took a seat, motioning for Robert to close the curtain behind him. Whoa! Was he really alone in a dressing room with a supermodel? It couldn’t possibly be true. And yet it was.

“Robert,” said Crystal Jade, crossing one of her sculpted legs over the other, causing the hemline of her dress to rise, “do you know how they say that when you're about to die, your whole life flashes in front of you?”

Robert could only nod, his heart racing too fast in his chest to be able to formulate any actual words.

“Well that's what just happened to me,” continued Crystal Jade. “I was choking on that grape and suddenly everything flashed before me, my childhood growing up in Gopher Hole, Minnesota, my daddy, my uncle, my whole family, the farm, everything. Did you know that I was chubby and ugly in high school?”

“What?” said Robert, dumbfounded. No way this goddess before him had ever been anything but perfect.

“Yeah,” said Crystal Jade with a small laugh. “And I had braces, the old kind that were ugly silver metal. I got my first kiss when I was 17, can you believe it? And then when I was 19 I got my braces off and I lost some weight. I went to New York City as a tourist. I was walking down the street and a talent scout spotted me. My modeling career took off and here I am at age 26 and I have my own clothing line.”

“Wow,” said Robert, not knowing what else to say. It seemed so unreal.

“And now,” continued Crystal Jade, “I have everything. I bought momma and daddy a nice new house. My uncle is now living in a retirement home with a trained staff to take care of him. And I'm making more money than my parents made in a lifetime. But this is a terrible business, Robert. A girl has to be careful, do you know what I'm saying?”

Robert nodded, not understanding much at all.

“You learn to have a hard exterior. You never let anyone in past the wall. The whole modeling industry is full of perverts and lechers. Sure, some girls sleep around to get ahead in this business but not me. My momma and daddy raised me right. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. My looks were good enough so I got where I am today on my own merits. But I work all the time. People think supermodels lead a dream life but in reality it’s a race to make as much money as you can before your looks start to fade. I’m always flying here for a shoot, flying there, and I never have much time for a private life. Do you know what I'm saying, Robert?”

Not really, but Robert nodded yes anyway.

“I'm saying I don't even have time for a boyfriend, Robert. Does that surprise you? And girls get excited, just like guys do. But I have to watch my reputation. If I go to a movie premiere with an actor or have dinner with a singer, the gossip rags say we’re dating. But you, Robert, you're no one. No offense of course.”

“None taken,” said Robert, still unsure about what she was trying to tell him.

“You're a good looking young man,” said Crystal Jade. “Now take off your shirt.”

“What?” Robert managed to stutter.

“Take off your shirt. Hurry, we don't have much time. My assistants won't wait out there forever,” she said. Shyly, Robert lifted his arms and slowly took off his shirt.

“Oh god, it’s been so long,” said Crystal Jade. She leaned forward and ran one of her manicured hands over his chest.

Yes! Good lord, the red pill was working! Today really was his lucky day.

“We have to be very quiet,” said the supermodel. “My assistants are out there listening. Do you understand?”

---

Robert sank back against the wall of the dressing cabinet, utterly spent. Realizing he was done, Crystal Jade quickly rose to her feet and put her dress back on. She licked her lips and grinned. “Can't leave anything for the paparazzi to find, can we?” she said with a naughty smile.

Weakly, Robert accepted his shirt as she handed it to him and somehow managed to put his clothes back on.

The assistants were waiting for them at the entrance to the dressing room area and Crystal Jade’s appearance caused a buzz of excited chatter. She and her entourage then headed back towards the autograph table, leaving Robert behind. He heard the crowd begin to cheer and clap as she came into sight. No matter. He stumbled out of the department store, nobody paying him any attention whatsoever.

Holy crap, what a day! The grin on his face stayed there all through the long bus ride home. A few passengers had stared at him and then quickly looked away, probably figuring that he was retarded or perhaps dazed and confused. But Robert didn’t care. He had just had the most amazing day of his young life. Nothing could ruin his good mood. In fact, if he died now, he’d go to heaven with a smile on his face.

But his smile broke when he saw his father standing in the carport, gesturing wildly at him. At first he couldn’t understand what his father was saying but soon enough his words broke through Robert’s trance.

“It’s your mother, son! Oh thank god, you're here. I was just about to drive to the hospital. I didn’t know where you were! I tried to call you a million times. Oh my god, son, my god!”

“What? What, dad? Slow down!” said Robert.

“Come on, son,” said his father, “I'll explain on the way.” Robert had just closed his door when his father threw the station wagon in reverse, the back bumper clipping a garbage can, sending it clattering down the street. Tires pealing, his father drove at a high rate of speed down the road.

“Dad, slow down or you'll kill us both!” shouted Robert. “Now tell me what happened.”

“It’s your mother, son. I… I don't know what happened. She was fine until about an hour ago. Then that cough of hers got worse. I walked in the kitchen and she was on the floor, bent over, coughing up blood. Oh my sweet Jesus, the blood was everywhere! I called 911 and an ambulance came and rushed her to the hospital. Oh god, son, I'm so worried.”

Robert clutched the door handle as his father swerved and skidded to a stop in the hospital’s parking lot. Dashing out of the vehicle, he left the keys in the ignition. Robert took the keys and then ran in the hospital. He saw his father talking to a doctor, his father’s face white with shock. Robert caught up with him in time to hear the doctor say, “We’ve got her stabilized for now, Mr. Dickson, but she's taken a turn for the worse.”

“Can I go see her?” asked his father, tears welling in his eyes. The doctor nodded his assent and led them down the hallway, pointing her room out to them. Inside, looking worn and frail, lay Robert’s mother. Her eyes were closed but he could see her chest slowly moving up and down while a piece of electronic equipment by her bedside softly beeped.

“Oh my beautiful darling,” said Robert’s father, falling to his knees, his hands clenching his wife’s. “Please be okay, darling. Please!”

Robert stared with horror at his mother. What had happened to her? Just two days ago she had been at the peak of health. Now she looked like an old woman, her face wrinkled and gray. What could've caused this?

Seeing his father sobbing at his mother’s bedside, he decided to give them some space. “Hey Dad,” said Robert tentatively. “I'm, uh, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria. Do you want something?”

Robert’s father said nothing and he could hear him rapidly talking in a low voice, offering up his prayers to the creator to heal his beloved wife. Robert slowly eased out of the room and into the hallway. Following the signs, he soon found the cafeteria and ordered himself a red eye, a shot of espresso dumped in a cup of strongly brewed coffee.

His greatest day with a supermodel now seemed like nothing. What did that matter when his own sweet mother was in the hospital, maybe dying? It was awful. He felt ashamed that he’d been absorbed in his own lust while his mother was collapsing in the kitchen. He shuddered to think what would've happened if his father hadn't been there to call the ambulance in time.

As Robert sipped his coffee, a group of nurses sat down at a table next to him. “Strangest thing I ever saw,” said one, a large black nurse wearing bright pink scrubs, “Doctor Pajamundi says it might even be a verified new disease. Seems to only be affecting women though, that's the weird thing about it. But Doctor Pajamundi said he's thinking of writing it up for an article in The Lancet.”

“Is it that aging thing I heard about?” asked another nurse.

“Yeah, whatever it is, it causes normally healthy women to get old really fast. Then it’s like they just die of old age. But nobody has any idea of what's causing it. Very weird,” said the first nurse.

Robert sprang to his feet and ran as fast as he could back to his mother’s room. But it was too late. His father was talking to a doctor outside her room, his father’s face wet with tears. Seeing Robert approached, his father turned and gathered up his son in his arms. “It’s too late. She’s gone. She just passed,” said his father.

Screaming at the top of his lungs, Robert ran down the hallway and out of the hospital and into the burning sunlight outdoors.