Reverse Psychology

There is absolutely nothing as irritating as being asked for your advice, and then having the person who asks for the help turn around and do the opposite. It would be a different thing if you were giving shitty advice; but if you consistently propose a great solution to the problem of the day, and then the questioner wipes their ass with it and does whatever the alternate choice happens to be, it tends to piss you off. Afterwards, they usually cry to you. They shouldn't even bother. To those who wish to ignore perfectly good help, I offer you this statement: Keep doing it!

It started a month ago. I was minding my own damn business, sitting at the same table that I had always sat at, ever since I had started going to this forsaken college a year ago. I hated the food, but there were no refunds on student meal plans, so I ate it anyway. Like usual, dinner was rubbery, undercooked chicken. My friends- as they thought of themselves; personally, I couldn't care less for the lot- came over and sat down with me as I took a drink of my blue Powerade. “Shakes! What up, b?”

God, they were annoying. As a general rule of thumb, I don't like to be referred to with hip-hop slang. Gritting my teeth and smiling, I replied, “Deez nuts! What's good with you?” Ronnie, the one who had asked me in the first place, said, “Hey Shakes, I got a question for you. You used to drop acid, right?” Good lord. Here it comes. He's going to ask me a fucking question, and and then he'll ignore my advice to do what he wants to anyway. “Yeah, man! Why?” I keep smiling as the corner of my left eye begins to twitch. “I wanted to ask if I can do it by myself the first time. I only have enough for one hit, so Lady Killz can't trip with me, so she wants to do something else while I trip. Will I be fine?” He's asking me for advice. I am sick of dispensing it. “You should really have someone with you your first time,” I reply, knowing how this is going to end. “I think I'll be fine,” Ronnie answered. Fucking twat.

As I go back to my apartment just outside of campus, I have an epiphany: why should I help them? They always take what I say for granted. They always do the opposite of what I say. Suddenly, I get a flash of evil inspiration above my head. I should try to have them do things that they wouldn't normally do. I already know everybody will do the opposite of what I tell them to, anyway, so why not? I test it on my roommate, who always throws loudass parties, as he sits on the couch. “Hey,” I say, “don't walk into the kitchen and slice your dick off with a knife.” He stands up and disappears into the kitchen and I thankfully don't see the next part. I can only hear him screaming, “OH MY GOD, WHY DID I FUCKING CUT MY DICK OFF?! CALL AN AMBULANCE!”

I have power that I never would have believed. As the paramedics take my roommate away, I laugh at the implications. I go over to the smoking table on campus where Ronnie and my other friends usually hang out. “Hey, Shakes,” says Justin Whitesnake. “Oy! Whitesnake, don't bring me a bottle of Coke,” I tell him. He walks off, and brings one back for me thirty seconds later. I smile. A pretty girl named Emily walks over. “Hey, Emily, you shouldn't take me by the hand over to your dorm and suck my dick on your bed!” One amazing blowjob later, I am fully convinced that I have just hacked the universe.

I do one last thing, before I will only use my powers for (relative) good. I have an asshole brother in law that is always trying to get me arrested. He's a giant hypocrite, and he's going through a divorce from my sister. I also suspect him of being a pedophile. I send him a text message telling him not to kill himself. Two days later, as my sister is dropping her daughter off at her grandmother's house after his funeral, I smile to myself. As I walk back home, I see two pretty girls walking past. “You girls shouldn't have a three-way with me,” I say, grinning.