Pleading No Contest

My eyelids are lit on skies adrift in gold
Scattered waves of yesterday's weather patterns that escaped the Doppler radar
Or so to say
I was told
Today there would be no rain
Hence the non weatherproof soles
And yet again I stomp through runoff of the clouds morning shower
Shit and shaven and off to slave another workday for another paycheck to pay the rent and the bills and tease the hamster on his wheel with the promise of a good life
And maybe some flowers
Fuckin 'murica
Avoiding the puddles just muddles the murk
Until you are knee deep in a debt creek owing back taxes on your self worth
But I went deep inside myself to find
that I'm much more than the standards of society
So much more than the soberest of straight edge even with the pledge of sobriety
All the way down to the bottom of been there done that but don't want to say I did
It's an evil life when we must conform to status as our passage for living
Where we build class upon value of possessions and not how we are a value to our brethren and other active members of the human race
They want us to separate
When you part and divide
It's much easier to sway the herd to your favor even when all sides are the same side
These faces that delegate for the majority of state
Have just as much say in our lives than we even care to fake
We are on a Ledge and politics are the subtle winds that push
but with my arms outstretched I shall only take flight for the sake of good
Should I stay or should I go?
It's a daily struggle when I'm feeling bipolar
And I want to let go of everything but still have someone to hold
Me
Depression is the mightiest of forces to be reckoned with
An emotional sedative that feeds and feeds and feeds and feeds it's heavy hole
until whats left isn't worth the leftovers
Or wasted Tupperware
And my last supper was a substance that just kept me there gloating
About how high up it could go
Before running out of dopamine
A diamond in the snow of a summertime breeze
Where you can't even discern the leaves from the trees
Even if you hadn't gotten burned by the last batch or the last dealer
Or purposely hurt yourself just to see if you could still feel it
But you are numb to the touch of anything but foreign substance
and the last one to wonder how you got this far before plummeting
I know
I was that junkie
Not intravenous but certainly not the cleanest
I just needed that escape
That something
That taste
In the back of your throat dripping down to your core
Where you could forget about everything as long as you had some more
I was just a fisherman Hooked and sinking into lines of dust
but when I called the 8-ball and it went down that just meant I needed to reup
With a bag of that powdered happy stuff
Painted in sweat
tainted in regrets
And pastier than the fine china face of a porcelain dolls head
And I have embellished these memories to forget my level of depravity
When the gravity of the situation had me doing bath salts in grocery store family bathrooms
And I could feel my body dying with each bump I snorted passively
One of the hardest things I ever did was put down the posh and stop considering myself an addict
One thing in my life I can thank legislation for
Was identifying bath salts as a scheduled narcotic
So that it wouldn't take any more of us
And I've chosen mild fits of boredom over soaring so high uplifted
For my landing gear is not equipped to handle the after flight risk
Of damaged goods demands of the weekday work shift
Where I have to physically lift and then deliver
Instead of trying to pick up my moods with butterfingers
This all began when Whispers raised their decibels in my head
Sometime after adolescence
Voices that were now aggressive instead of tame and softly rendered
I used to put them on pedestals so maybe they got jealous
And inflamed like a spreading infection when I kept taking off the bandaid
And regretting decisions I made based on their collective messages
We used to be inseparable
Until I learned of their guest status
And that was when the messages became a vocal cascade of madness
A deafening echo in a venue with no sound
Where I could hear my own skin moving as my pulse raised it up and down
I decided long ago that I would no longer be a home or Safe Haven
for these echoes that bellow from the throats of stowaways
Behavior must change as fast as you grow into a new waist size
And I got tired of the baggage claim tossing my fate to the wayside
And being a guinea pig fed a pharmaceutical diet
That numbed everything
Even all the good in my life went quiet
And flatlined every time a bad day turned on its horizon
Because I had nothing to balance out the storms from the spring mornings
Nothing to say it's going to be okay
Just a swarming decay of every mortared brick I had laid
To take this road out of here
But I was stuck on delay in its favor
With a runway blocked by negative thoughts
And an engine unwilling to switch gears into positive
This transmission has sent me walking into my very worst of times
But with open arms I now embrace the relationship
Between broken
And Just in need of rehabilitation
For I am the only one permitted to take my life