Leaving The Past In The Past. Part 2

I missed Tope. He had gone off on an extended work trip. Lately, we had been closer than ever but his absence was putting a strain on us. It was months since the Soji incident and there didn’t appear to be any repercussions from the kissing incident. We were not awkward about it. We just chatted occasionally like casual friends.

I suddenly realized I did not have much of a social life apart from Tope. Like many girls, I had put my relationship far ahead of cultivating my same sex friendships. And now that Tope was gone I was left twiddling my thumbs. It was going to be a long weekend. My phone beeped. A message from facebook. It was Soji.

“Hey dear. How’s your weekend going?”
I sighed. “Boring,” I typed in.
“Odd. I just got this urge to check up on you. I’m in your area again. Perhaps we could hang out?”
I gave it a moment’s thought. There was nothing better to do. Perhaps I should let him come. It was past 5. I mentally warned myself to not allow him stay till dark.
“Yeah. Just for a little while.” I typed in.
“Ok. I’ll be on my way then.”

I found myself looking forward to the knock on the door. Fifteen minutes later, it was Soji.
He gave me a half-hug as he came into my apartment and I caught a whiff of his cologne. He really looked good. That was what made other girls envious of me while we were dating. I felt a little strange as we sat down on the couch. The atmosphere had become charged somehow, as if with electricity. I got up to get a drink for both of us, wondering what was wrong with me.
When I returned I sat across from him and slotted in a CD for us to watch. We chatted about inconsequential things as the movie progressed and suddenly one of the scenes became a romantic one. I was a little embarrassed and I turned my face away from the screen. Goose pimples had appeared on my arm. I looked at the time. It was already seven.

“Soji, I have to call it a night,” I said. “I need to turn it early.”
Soji smiled at me. “I understand. Besides, the traffic should be easing up by now.”
He got up and I followed him towards the door. As I opened the door for him, he stared deep into my eyes and I felt my knees go weak.
“You don’t really want me to go Abigail,” he whispered, his voice close to my ear. I shuddered involuntarily.
“You have to go now Soji. You must go now,” I protested weakly.
In answer, he cupped my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. I felt powerless to turn away. Suddenly I heard the door slam behind me. Soji was not going anywhere.

We did not have sex that night. However, we did everything but. I could not remember when last I felt…so alive. And yet so filled with guilt.
“I won’t disrespect you like that Abigail,” Soji said. “Not unless you want me to.”
I could not believe I had given in so easily. But after that night, it seemed like I was under a spell. All my old feelings for Soji resurfaced. He seemed like a god in my eyes. I lacked the self will to keep him from thinking about him. He was everything I thought a man should be. He was such a take charge person. That was one of the reasons why I loved and feared him in our relationship. Guilt nagged at me but I chased it away. We were not sleeping together, I reasoned. Besides, what if this was the last opportunity I had to determine if Soji was my one true love? The passion I felt for him I had never experienced with Tope or anyone else. He kept away for a few nights and then he started coming to see me regularly for about a week. We’d start chatting and talking and then we always ended up the same way. In each other’s arms. The day we finally had sex was when we had gone too far to go back.

I was so ashamed after it was over. Soji apologized profusely to me and promised me that it would never happen again. He began to plead with me to marry him instead of Tope that what we had was real. Filled with shame and guilt, I summoned the courage to send him away from my house that night. He went without argument looking truly repentant with the hint of tears in his eyes. I knew I had to end this horrible affair now. But my problems were far from over.