I Never Loved Him

“I never loved him,” she said with no sign of remorse or guilt in her voice. She almost sounded emotionless, incapable of feelings. “I just didn’t want to be alone,” she finally admitted with a sigh. Her voice cracking a little at the end.

“How could I ever love someone who made me feel like no one else could ever love me? As if I was incapable of being loved. He made me believe even more that my insecurities were real. As if only he could handle my emotional outbursts and tantrums. Like no one could ever love a girl with anger issues so bad it was the reason people always walked away.

How could I love someone who always wanted to hurt me? Constantly. And choke in all his words and drown in pain he said I brought upon myself. He loved testing me. Just to see how I would react. Hurt me on purpose just to see if I cared enough. And then he’d say, “I can’t stand seeing you hurt.” But his actions told me otherwise.

How could I love someone who enjoyed controlling me? Always telling me what I should do and how I should act. The way I should dress because my body belonged to him. A boy who planned my future for me, just because he loved to have power over me. “You’re going to be my wife,” he’d say. “And I’m going to work while you stay at home and take care of our kids.” When all I wanted to do was travel.

How could I love someone that forced me to do things I’m not comfortable with? I never wanted to kiss him. And I never did. But he touched me in places that made me want to scream when he did. And every time he touched me, I couldn’t bare the thought that I let him do it. All I could ever do was hold my breath and hope that was enough to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek.”

“Now you tell me,” she shifted her gaze to the brown eyed boy next to her. “How could I love a boy that tried to break me?”