I Killed Him

“…sweet jeez- hey! Hey you! Wait up!”

“……”

“Hey.”

“…hey…”

“Hey.”

“……hey back?”

“……”

“……do I uh, know you?”

“Shh!”

“…umm…”

“CanIkissyou?!!”

“I’m sorry?”

“CanIkissyou?! Kiss, you know? Like, muack muack.”

“……”

“……”

“…I don’t even know you, young lady.”

“No, you didn’t. Yes, you do.”

“I still don’t. I’m pretty sure we’ve never met before.”

“Don’t make me tug at your collar.”

“This is a collarless tee I’m wearing.”

“……”

“……”

“You’re hot.”

“……excuse me?”

“You’re hot. H. O. T. Hot, geddit? You know, the adjective hot? Oh my Dunkin I’m dying!!”

“……”

“……”

“I’m sorry. I uh, gotta go- whoa HEY!! What you doing! Get off me!”

“Stay still! How do you expect me to be able to kiss you with you flailing around like that! Now hold, STILL!!”

“I never expected you to, for Pete’s sake now get your hands off my- argh!”

“You said yes!”

“Bloody rooster, I never said yes!”

“You just did!”

“Get off my back people are starting to stare!”

“People always stare. You can’t defy human nature!!”

“Stop......that……you’re……cut- umph- cutting…off…my…cir-circulation…”

“Oh hey you’ve got such dazzling white teeth!! Shit, don’t tell me you’re Georgia Rose!!! God, you must be! But wait…oh, haha, Georgia’s a girl. So you MUSTN’T be Georgia! You can’t!!”

“Get, off!!”

“Hey, to be honest, I think- ouch!- I think… you’re a little weak for a guy…you can’t even tackle a girl. Aha!”

“You mean … umph … YOU … umph … are a little too … strong fer … argh … fer a girl … hands … off … my … thro- throat!!”

“How strong can a girl be anyway?”

“I......can’t……breathe…umph!”

“But still, my hypothesis still stands. You’re weak- but no matter… you’re still hot as- HOLY SHIT!! Now I know why I keep catching the smell of kebabs! You’re so freakin hot you remind me of barbecue parties that’s why!”

“……urgh!”

“Hey that hurt!”

“You were literally clawing out my throat!”

“You were trying to shake me off so violently my eyeballs experienced an earthquake!”

“YOU, were snapping around your head like a crazy T rex and THAT was why your eyeballs-

“Are you one of those typical procrastinators?”

“……no?”

“I don’t like procrastinators…… do you?”

“Course not, pfft.”

“Solet’sgetbacktobusiness!!!”

“Wait, what?!”

“Tee! Hee! Hee!”

“No, no, not a step closer I’m telling ya!! Back off! You don’t want me to- SHIT!”

“Aw don’t be nervous! I can totally assure you that I brushed my teeth twice this morning!”

“……”

“… honest!”

“…you’re crazy.”

“Thanks.”

“What?!”

“Ha!”

“What the- arghh!! Stop that! You’re … choke- choking … me … ow my nose!”

“……”

“Piss, OFF!!”

“You taste like Pepsi!”

“What the… eww fuck off!!”

“……”

“Hmph… yuck. Now-

“What’s your name?”

“You seriously expect me to tell you?”

“No.”

“Then?”

“You could’ve come up with any guy name, you idiot.”

“……”

“……?”

“Tom, then.”

“……”

“What?”

“……”

“WHAT?”

“…... I love Tom and Jerry.”

“Oh jeez- no hey!! Not again! STOP- you’re a beast! A BEAST!! Stop! Enough!”

“……”

“…can’t……breathe!”

“……”

“…oomph…you’re……killin…me!”

“……”

“…I……can’t…”

“……”

“……”

“Whoo! You’re a loud kisser, Tom.”

“……”

“Hey Tom.”

“……”

“TOMMIEEEEE…?”

“……”

“OH SHOOT I THINK I JUST SAW JERRY!! QUICK HE’S RUNNING AWAY!”

“……”

“……ah, shit.”

**

April 16, 2015 9:24am

Mysterious kiss of death: dementors in town?

By Linda Mertz | The Slothalian Press

SLOTHYLVANIA- A harmless stroll down the morning street turned into an eternal nightmare for *T when an anonymous girl, whom the witnesses claimed to be oddly similar to a Dementor, decided to jump in T’s way before she mercilessly performed the kiss of death on T.

“That GIRL… she was… gosh it was like watching National Geographic! Except it was a live one and oh poor T… it’s a shame he had to suffer that kiss of death… he’d got great looks after all!” said one of the witnesses.

Another witness added, “My… goodness! He was a brave young man… that guy… he battled with such integrity and determination but… well, at least he tried…”

“I could’ve recorded a video of it, dammit! But again, dammit I don’t really know how to use a spartaphone and so I couldn’t record it for you guys…it was epic and- sorry, I mean smartphone. SMARTPHONE.”

A medical diagnosis suggested that T’s breathing passageway had been cut off and thus this interfered with his normal breathing before resulting in his death. However, the police have ruled out this factor on account of the lack of proof on T’s body. In fact, it has been concluded that the Dementor theory would be the most logical explanation of all.

Believed to still be on the loose, the deadly perilous Dementor is posing a serious threat to all Slothylvanians. In such case, folks are strongly advised to not head out after eight at night, though it was in the morning, that T had stumbled into her- and the end of his life.