I couldn't forget him

I saw him for the first time on a rainy afternoon while i was sitting on a bench outside my class' building. So finally, i met this 'famous' name I use to hear for more than half a year. The known young handsome instructor in campus. But I wonder why he's kind of.. uhm.. he's not that tall. White, slim, and very attractive pair of eyes I wish for my future kids to own. Uh oh, the eyes!

Since that day, I started to notice his presence. Of course I already know him, he is even my roommate's ultimate crush--he actually had many admirers. But exclude me, not that I don't find him attractive or appealing but I already had someone I liked back then.

Time passed until I meet him formally, on my class, he is my instructor. I stared at his physical complexions for quite long and started to read mind about his gestures. Not that I loved him but I won't deny I liked him since then. It even took me days to erase the drawn smile on my face on our first meeting. He had good sense of humor, nice reflexes, and fine qualifications.

We are from the same ethnicity that made my fantasy almost reality. Though I was mad at him when I was left alone standing while my classmates are enjoying their respective seats, I never hated him. I called him names, when he neglected my repeated 'hands-up' on his queries but unintentionally it is. A month or two, he is the reason of my laughter. Even on my supposed to be loudest cries, unintended comfort is his offer. I couldn't make it on time--I am always late--but he seems to tolerate it. He becomes another haven of my sorrowful school days gradually. And I don't just like it, I loved it.

I know he knows that I liked him. I wouldn't even dare to hid it. I see it as a normal appreciation, not an exaggerate admiration. Yes, I continuously laugh at his repeated joke. I would stare at him and smile oftentimes. When he stand in a place blocked from my view because of my taller classmate, incidentally or not, I will always move to see his face. And even if it's an instinct for me to raise my brow when I talk, I do it to him not to seduce but to convey my words that I listen even to his silent sighs. Soon, I flattered myself he acts the way I see because he intentionally did it for me to smile and laugh.

He once raised his brow at me which seems an imagination because almost all know how preserved man he could be. Like me, he will also stare for seconds in my eyes and smile as he always does. A friend, his student in another class, never noticed his dimple. I told myself he is far happy in our class than in that friend of mine. The repeated joke he did, I frantically believed he was just trying to see my response. And he use to tell us his future plan of creating his own family. It made me wonder if he is married already or not. After all, he acts the same way my other married-but-didn't-said-it male young instructor did.

Yeah, it is normal for students to like their teachers. But it is NOT normal that my feelings of admiration towards him lingers until now. It has been more than one year. Why, for some reasons I can only assume about, he reciprocates my feelings. And yet I know he don't. After those times of him being my teacher, even if I secretly helped him once on a business I mustn't be involved in, he acted the same cold guy I expected.

He won't look at me when I try to smile at him as we met in same road. He will try his best to avoid my way, to even avoid seeing me in any way. I saw him smile a lot along his friends but never when I dare to stare at him. I suppose he is lecturing me again outside the perimeters of our classroom. He has been my teacher all along. He is trying to tell me I am lost in a fantasy of thinking I am in love with him. He is trying to make me realize liking him is not my own will but because of bandwagon appeal. A fallacy where you believed that the idea is right just because all people do and that I only liked him because the campus girls did. He is doing his best to make me forget him. I understand him, I actually tried more than once. Yet I COULDN'T just FORGET HIM.

P.S. I am infatuated, not lovestruck-ed.