Elegiac

I scurried to the front gate clumsily so that I could at least pretend I couldn’t hear her. I pulled on my shoes hastily, adjusted the straps of my bag frantically again and yes, just in time –

“Another energy bar?” she popped her head out of the window and shouted. I hissed at myself inwardly. She flourished the energy bar again, gesturing me towards the window. Aria snickered beside me.

“No, thanks, mum.” I stole Aria’s usual words and mimicked her determined tone. It wasn’t fair at all. Aria was 13 and she already got to make her own choices, independence firmly in her hands. Whereas me, I was always being treated like a child. And, I was 16. Yeah I know, how ironic was that? I was still far from maturity, that was dad’s theory. Some logical theory he’d got there.

“Well, come on! I’m not gonna wait here forever.” mum said, ignoring my polite refusal. Sagging my shoulders, I sighed inwardly and strode forward. I grabbed the energy bar from her, fully aware that this forwardness wasn’t befitting for an adult, not to say my mother.

“It’s not like I’ll starve to death.” I muttered.

“Well, you’d have to greet your gastric pain first.”, she admonished obliquely. I ignored her and shuffled towards Aria. She still looked amused. I glowered at her, an unspoken warning. She was just going to lock the gate behind us when mum popped her head out again.

“Abby! Your bottle!” she yelled like I was already out of earshot, like we had no neighbor at all. I sighed loudly this time, exasperation provoked. It was only another three-hour stay-back today, and she had insisted that I bring more water, like the canteen in my school would somehow run out of water. Huh. Well, meet my paranoid mum.

Anger was surging wildly in me, the volcano inside threatening to erupt at any moment. I threw my hands up in the air and let them fall to my sides heavily. I shot mum my what-now look and yelled back, “I’m sixteen! S.I.X.T.E.E.N. SIXTEEN!!”

With that, I swiveled around and stomped down the gravel path, leaving Aria behind. Maybe I wasn’t as mature as Aria after all. I let the steam inside me cool down for a while and turned to scan for Aria. She was well behind me, staring at the path solemnly as she walked, lost in thoughts. I resolved to ignore her.

 
***************


I’d never thought that it would be the last time I yelled at her.

Every corner of the room was filled with the obnoxious tang of antiseptic, and the temperature there was cold, far too cold for my liking. Aria and I were shaking uncontrollably, not from the cold, but from the hours of constant sobbing.

That was it. She had left us. Forever. A walk to the school to bring me my water had cost her life. Which reckless driver was that I didn’t want to know, because if I did, I doubt if I would be in this room right now.

Aria clung on to her callous hand, muttering her name and whispering prayers intermittently. I had stopped crying, because every tiny bit of my energy had been drained out. Eventually, I resorted to staring at the void vacantly.

I pinched my arm for the hundredth time, hoping that I’d soon wake up from this nightmare, to no avail at all. I gazed at the purplish bruises on my arms absentmindedly. I pinched harder, and embraced the pain. I deserved it. I was the killer.

For hours, I just perched on the stool like a statue, my mind and whole body numb. The extreme pang of guilt had taken over my whole being. Memories of before swam in my head, sending more waves of anguish through my veins.


***************
 

I opened my eyes and stared into the ceiling. A starry pattern greeted me. Oh. I was home. How? When? Who? My mind stretched in every possible direction to dig out the memory, but I found it useless. My mind was blank. All blank.

For days, I lied on my cozy bed and refused to eat or drink, waiting for my death impatiently. But, it seemed that my waiting hadn’t received the appropriate reward.

Days dragged on more slowly. Medics showed up and needles were sunk into my skin. Still, I refused to cooperate. I just stared at the starry ceiling all day long until blackness swallowed me again. Technically, I was dead, but my body wasn’t, and that was driving me crazy. I wanted death as much as I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. But still, reality was enjoying its game with me.

Aria. She slipped into my consciousness suddenly and I jerked upright. I shook my head in confusion and rummaged through my memories for this name. She seemed familiar. I wracked my brain further. Aria. I gasped as realization hit. My sis Aria.

For the first time, I got up and hobbled across my room. My legs were unusually fragile and weak. How long had it been since I last moved? I staggered to her room and opened the door weakly. And, there she was.

I frowned. Her brown hair was an utter tangle, and she looked … wrong. She was perching on the edge of her bed, and her eyes were staring out of the shutters vacantly. She had her bunny pajamas on. I frowned deeper. Her voice rang in my head, That pajama is for kids, Abs!

I blundered towards her bed and settled beside her. She turned her head warily and gazed at me quizzically, then started to play with my hair. No, this wasn’t my sister.

“You look familiar.”, she leaned in closer and studied my face. “Who are you?”

I braced myself. “Abby.” She quirked a brow. “Your evil, irritating, childish sister.”, I snapped.

“I don’t have sisters.” she waved me off dismissively and laughed.

“Our mom died in an accident. Because of me.”, I hissed at her, furious that she’d chosen this time of all time to abandon me. Mom and Dad had left us subsequently, she would not be the next. She mustn’t.

Something dark flashed in her eyes, and suddenly she was glaring at me. Wild. Her hands flied to her head and clutched at it tightly. She screamed and began to pull on her hair crazily. For a moment, she just glared at me, her eyes brooding. Then she took off screaming again, her eyes scanning the room intermittently.

“LIAR! SHE WAS EXACTLY THERE YESTERDAY!” she pointed to the closet desperately. An escaped tear dropped onto my hand. I didn’t know that I still could cry. Not after that day.


************'


I thought my mind would never suffer from anything like that again - the eternal absence of your loved ones. I thought my mind had gone numb enough. I thought I had been through the greatest pain. I was always wrong anyway.

I resolved to finish the job I’d started earlier, then. For weeks, I pushed away the food or drinks being offered and screamed at any medic that came near. My body sagged like a withered leaf, and my cheekbones became even more prominent. Sometimes, I’d stare into the mirror just to greet the pale, lifeless girl. Good. I was nearer towards my mission.

Until one chilly night, a desperate whisper aroused me. Usually, I’d just venture deeper into my sleep hoping that it’d be my last sleep, but this time, no. I recognized that voice. That silvery, affectionate voice. I abandoned my sleep immediately.

Mom. For once, I was right. She was standing right at the foot of my bed. Her voice was real but she looked … surreal, more like a hologram. She held out her hand and smiled her gracious smile. My eyes glazed over, blurring my vision temporarily. She was real. I crawled over my bed to embrace her, pouring all my hidden love all these years over her. She hugged back. I gasped unbelievably. She really was real.

“Let’s get you out of here.” she whispered and began to guide me towards the window.

“Where to?”, I asked, totally confused.

She smiled down at me knowingly and replied, “A family reunion. Aria’s already waiting with dad. Won’t want to let them wait for long, will we? ”

I mirrored her blissful smile. Mission over.