Cedric Henderson

21 May

Never, had I thought, that my life could change in one mere second. It’s even ridiculous to think back when my nanny had always said that one’s life can flip out of control in just one day. But then I saw you. Across the crosswalk. Waiting for the light to change. Everything around me faded into oblivion. The noises of the cars and people around died down.

I couldn’t feel my heart. I think my whole body just went numb. I had no idea what was going on.

Things got worse when you looked my way. I didn’t know what you did but my head started to feel dizzy. I must have appeared idiotic staring at you like that, but at that moment, my brain and body and soul had a mind of their own.

I think hours passed. But that’s just impossible.

The light changed. You started. I somehow managed to lift my feet and walk across the road. My blood was crushing against my veins and my temples were throbbing in a weird way when we brushed across each other.

Took me a while to convince myself that my cheeks weren’t on fire. They were simply prickling in an unusual sickly way.

***

22 May

Got out of bed an hour earlier this morning. Which was…strange. I slept in almost every day throughout the year. But then there was this energetic rush when my alarm started blaring this morning. First time in my life I didn’t feel like punching the alarm dead.

Mom’s pancakes were so incredibly lovely this morning. I went on and on about how nice the colour and taste and texture were until she stopped me half-sentence saying, “Are you alright, honey?”

“Your pancakes. They’re incredible.” I licked my fingers.

Mom tilted her head and observed me a bit, her suspicious eyes travelling up and down my body. Yeah Mom was unusual earlier today. She then lifted her brows and said slowly, “They’re the same as yesterday’s, last week’s and last whole year’s, honey.”

I never like high school. But this day, however, I got the feeling that maybe high school can’t be that bad.

My friend, Linda, who sat beside me in class, was weirder that day. She would occasionally just leaned forward in her chair and gaped at me and asked, “Why are you smiling at yourself, Wendy?”

“Am I?” I exercised my cheeks a bit, thinking they might somehow went out of place.

Linda nodded and widened her eyes in an alien kinda way, “You are, even right now.”

I was confused, until Linda suddenly snapped her fingers and banged her fist on the table, luckily not loud enough to get the teacher’s attention. She turned her body fully to me and accused, “Are you in love, Wendy?”

Am I in love?

Linda wiggled her bushy brows, “Who’s that he you’ve been thinking bout?”

Thinking about? My mind went reeling around when I realized I HAVE been thinking about you.

It was you when I first woke up. It was you when I was talking to Mom. It was still you when the teacher was teaching the supposedly most important topic of the whole syllabus. You you you.

Oh god, what’s wrong with me?

***

23 May

Same time. Same place. It was you across the crosswalk again. Just a different colour of jumper this time. Your hair was tame and messy at the same time. The same old stare.

Must be Christmas. Been getting lots of surprises lately.

Light changed. I think my knees would just gave in the minute you were shoulder to shoulder with me, but thank heavens they didn’t. I was the first to tear my gaze away. The heat from your eyes was killing me. And I was literally dead when your hand grazed against mine when we passed by each other.

***

24 May

I looked like a panda. I realised that when I was in front of the mirror in my room, fixing my uniform and my ponytail. My jaw dropped at the sight of my horrible black eyes. So I haven’t been getting enough sleep? How come I turned out to be unaware of this? I wasn’t that drained when I got up this morning. In fact, I was as perked up as yesterday morning…

***

13 June

Took you long enough to ask for my number, Cedric.

***

15 June

When I think about falling in love, I feel like we humans fall in love only a couple times in our whole life. Maybe, the most twenty times? Well that just isn’t the truth. You taught me that, Cedric Henderson.

From that day we first met on the crosswalk till this very second, I’ve been falling in love over and over and over and over again. I haven’t been counting…but it most probably have exceeded two hundred times.

I know you’re gonna just laugh softly off at this but this, is, TRUE. Let’s see, I fall in love all over again every time our eyes meet. Your eyes are…. I suck at adjectives, Cedric, so I’m gonna say they’re like a galaxy full of dazzling stars. I fall in love all over again when you hold my hand. I fall in love again when you so much as crack that cute smile of yours. By the way, you said once that I only love your smile because girls like guys with dimples. Umm…where did you get that lame idea from, Cedric? I would’ve still loved your smile to the full even if you have no tooth and no dimples. I. Love. Your. Smile. Hear that? And only your smile, Cedric Henderson.

I keep falling in love all over and over again. Never thought that it’d be possible…but then you stomp right into my life and proved it possible.

I think I’m deeply in love with you, Cedric Henderson.

***

20 June

You were unusually quiet tonight. You didn’t chuckle out of the blue like you always do. Your smiles were a little forced. Dinner was quiet and you were frowning at your food. You kept rolling your lips into your mouth like you always do when you’ve got something going on in your mind. Except this time it definitely wasn’t something naughty.

You didn’t eat the mango pudding tonight. You love mango puddings.

You kept switching from frowning to offering weak smiles. You seriously don’t think I wouldn’t notice, do you?

I was anxious, but I didn’t ask further. It seemed you would just want to keep it to yourself, about whatever that had happened.

I stayed the night. I just thought maybe you’d like my company. You were getting more and more distraught by the minute.

You said you needed a shower. Thirty minutes crawled by. That was enough to get me to knock on the door. I pushed the door open to find you curled in a corner on the floor, shaking and breathing hard. I panicked and froze at the door for a good minute.

Didn’t realise I had tears welled up in my eyes until my vision blurred up and I choked a little. That sight of you was heart-crushing.

I came to my senses and rushed forward, asking what was wrong. But you didn’t seem to hear me. You were breathing even more harder, and gasping in sobs. I called out your name. That startled you back to reality. You snapped your head up and gazed at me through slits.

I didn’t know what was going on, and I was too afraid to do or say anything. I could only whisper your name.

You started grabbing at your head and biting at your fist, giving out muffled sobs. I couldn’t stand it. I died a million deaths watching you act like that. I didn’t know what you were going through at that moment so I just pulled you into a tight hug trying to calm you down, “It’s okay, Cedric. It’s okay…..I’m here for you, alright?”

That was the first time I saw the lights in your eyes died down. You looked bleak and broken. You pulled me in tighter, the hug crushing my ribs a little. We stayed like that for a really long time.

You didn’t seem to want to pull away yet, so I tried to ask, “What was going on, Cedric?”

I could feel you tense, before pushing me away roughly. I landed on my elbows and pain shot through me, but I was only conscious towards the pain my heart was in. Your eyes widened a royal fraction, and you started apologising and running your hand through your dirty blond hair madly.

My heart squeezed painfully. My hands were shaking, like yours. This isn’t the Cedric I know.

“Go away,” you wheezed, your chest rising and falling rapidly, “Leave, Wendy. Don’t ever come back.”

That was enough to crush me into pieces. Anguish filled up my whole heart. My throat turned thick and I couldn’t form a decent word. The pain was real. So real I was choking in it.

I had a thousand things to say, but it just obviously wasn’t the right time. So I got up and left. I didn’t want to break down in front of you.

***

21 June

Back to where we belong again. Same time. Same place. You across the crosswalk, waiting for the light.

I didn’t feel light and giddy like the first time we met here.

I knew we weren’t over. You just need your time. And I still didn’t know what happened.

Just like that, we stared at each other for a good while until my vision was blocked by a gang of other students.

What are you thinking right now, Cedric? I wish I could know.

I made it across without bumping into you. I couldn’t stand seeing your face then watching you leave again. That day, I know you were trailing right behind me. I didn’t know why you were following me home but still not wanting to come out and talk… I’m just trying to do what you want me to do here, Cedric, do you see that?

***

11 July

I learnt that you have depression and anxiety problem. Saw you walking out of the pharmacy earlier. You tossed away the receipt, as you always do. I dug the whole content of the bin out, earning stares from passerbys. Since when do you take antidepressant pills, Cedric?

***

12 July

Cedric Henderson, what good is following me home every day after school? Can’t you just talk to me and tell me what happened?

I miss you.

***

23 July

Didn’t expect you to show up in front of my door. You were just standing there awkwardly, still not uttering a word. I was actually relieved to see the lights in your eyes coming back again a little at a time. But there was still this intense, unstable current behind them.

I waited, but you were just not gonna explain. You were just there, hands in your pockets, gazing on at me steadily.

“I miss you.”

You stole my line, Cedric Henderson.

And then you just crushed the air out of me with your hug. I choked a few times. But that was also when my whole world lighted up again.

***

25 July

This time it wasn’t in the bathroom. It was on your bed, and you had just startled me out of my sleep by yelling in your dream. Your eyes were forcefully shut and beads of sweat were forming on your forehead.

I shook you awake, rubbing your back and placating in your ears about it all just nightmares.

You broke my heart for the hundredth time when you said this, “I don’t deserve you, Wendy.”

You’ve been telling me that since the day you showed up at my house, Cedric.

You said you’re a damaged man. You are the most amazing human being in the whole world I’ve ever known, Cedric Henderson.

You said you won’t be worth my time and love. What to do….I say it will, and it will.

You said you might not be the best husband I could’ve wanted. Who says anything about the best husband, Cedric? I want only you.

“I don’t deserve you, Wendy.” You repeated for the second time.

Well that was cute. You were saying that while cuddling me at the same time. Ironic much, my soon-to-be husband?

Cedric Henderson, I don’t know how many more years am I gonna have to repeat this but, I meant it when I say you are the most beautiful being alive in this world. I also meant it when I said I wanted you to stop with the dimple crap talk.

And I love you.

***