The Story of You and Me (Part I)

PART I

I used to believe in fairy tales, and knight in shining armours, and princesses getting swept off by their princes and saving damsels in distress. But you disproved those ideas in my head when we were both sixteen. I was too scared of love not because I had a relationship before you but it was because someone played my feelings.
Still though, I believed that we could live in a happily ever after.
We were both sixteen when we started getting closer. We knew each other when we were thirteen and it was a time where puberty was still limited in our bodies. Did you remember the time when people would tease us because you told someone over the text that you liked me?
I wasn’t over the moon because I knew it was just a joke because if you did like me you would’ve talked to me. It was also awkward because of our height difference. I was taller than you back then but when we turned fourteen, you somewhat had a growth spurt and you had a girlfriend.
When we were fifteen your girlfriend moved to another state but you still had those long distance relationships. I was rooting for the two of you in all honesty but then you broke up. I was saddened by it really.
But when we were sixteen we started becoming close. We built friendships in those three months and I did not know I was starting to fall you, to fall for your soul because you were so kind and I was so evil and you brought out the good in me.
I had almost destroyed myself but you made me feel like I was important. We would talk all the time and sometimes we wouldn’t notice that people were watching us. They weren’t against by the idea of us being a couple. Instead they were agreeing to it.
But three months had been cut short to the cold days of you. You avoided me like I was a disease and it was hurting me. I couldn’t wake up without knowing that you didn’t feel the same way and maybe you had known I had loved you for those three months. You were maybe afraid of me because I would think that you liked me back but it was never that.
Then we graduated in high school and we were both eighteen. We took up the same program. I already loved mathematics before you came along and it had been my long-time dream of becoming an engineer. You already had other plans in your mind but you ended being in the same program with me. I wasn’t sure if you had been following me or if you just loved mathematics like I did.
Coincidentally we became classmates over some courses. I thought you would avoid me like I was contagious but it was such a shock how you approached me first and talked to me like nothing was wrong but in reality everything was wrong. You and I were wrong. You with me was not beautiful.
But every single day we would see each other I loved you more and more.
And on the graduation day I was planning to confess my love for you. I kept it for so long. It had been ten freaking years of keeping my feelings for you and maybe now was the right time to tell you what I felt for you.
But a girl came up to you and kissed your cheek. She was your girlfriend when we were fifteen and god she was beautiful and she was everything that I wasn’t.
You looked at me and your eyes held a question.
They were screaming at me, do you want to tell me something?
I shook my head and walked away and kept on walking, walking until my lungs couldn’t breathe in the air that was surrounding me.
But your hand held mine and your brown eyes looked at me as I turned my head.
“Hey,” you said with a smile on your almost non-existent lips.
“Hey,” I echoed and your girlfriend was talking to her friends. She was so fucking happy but she also made you fucking happy.
“Do you want to hang out some time?” You had a sheepish smile on your face.
What was your game plan?
“Sure,” I answered.
Fast forward to your offer we were walking along the dark sidewalk. It was only the two of us. No one could disturb our conversation anymore and I wasn’t looking forward to anyone interrupting us. I was kicking a random pebble on the ground. We both graduated from engineering. It was stressful but you made the journey worthwhile.
“Can I say something crazy?” you asked.
I shrugged in response.
“Have you ever loved me?” you asked. I froze and halted my steps and you mimicked my actions.
“I—“ What did you want me to say? What did you want to hear?
“I don’t love you Mishka.”
“I know,” I only whispered yet my heart was screaming in agony, breaking little by little.
Ten years of knowing each other and you left me with a fucking broken heart. It wasn’t your fault. You never led me on. We just sort of became close.
“I love her,” you said. “I love my girlfriend. Please stay away from me.”
Tears pooled around my eyes. Bile rose from my throat. My throat stung and I couldn’t breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
I couldn’t breathe. You were suffocating me.
I spun my heel and ran around and this time you didn’t stop me.
But maybe that was how life rolled. We never ended with people we thought was our destined partner for life. I was happy without you. I am married with someone who valued my worth.
But you taught me fairy tales were just ideas we fell in love with. You might not be my fairy tale but you were a reality I always loved. I am still in love with you and that will never change.
Somehow I end up seeing you fetching your kid from school, while my five-year-old son runs towards me. I stare at you from afar, breathing you and memorizing every single detail of you. I love how your rough palms held my hand when we were fifteen. God I can cry to death now.
I hug my son Ronan. He is my everything now after my husband’s death. It has been terrible. I thought he is the one but then fate is so cruel to end him sleeping inside a coffin forever. You turn your head and your brown eyes land towards me.
I send you smile and you send me too.
You walk to my way while holding your daughter’s hand. She looks just like your wife.
“Hey,” you greet.
When has been the last time I saw you? It has been seven years ago when you told me to stay away from you.
But you’ll always be the one to get drawn towards me. Am I really that attractive?
“Hey,” I echo. Ronan and your daughter talk with each other while I am tongue tied with your presence. God I still fucking love you even we both have different families.
“How’s life been?” you ask casually as if nothing happened seven years ago. There is an awkward air between us and I can’t help but feel a little bit suffocated.
“It’s been good. Ronan’s good.” You eye Ronan carefully, your lips twitching up into a smile. “How about you?”
Your head turns to me, your brown eyes widening. You purse your lips as if you’re contemplating what to say next.
Then you answer, “My wife cheated on me.”
I almost have a whiplash at your reply. But you don’t seem affected with at all. You simply shrug your shoulders and say, “I moved on from her.”
“At first it was fucking hard. My daughter almost had a trauma with my attitude after I won custody over her. Seeing my wife being with another man breaks my heart until, until someone came along.” You say with your eyes twinkling like the moonlight.
I still love your small gestures but hearing you say you have moved from someone else that is not me breaks my heart.
How do you do that? Obliviously breaking my heart without purposefully doing it?
I grab Ronan’s hand quickly and bid you a goodbye but then you offer me something.
“Do you have plans over dinner? I hope we can catch up sometime,” you suggest, an encouraging smile flitting on your lips.
While your suggestion sounds very tempting, I have work to do but that is a lie because I don’t want my heart to break again because of you.
“I… have plans tonight,” I answer.
“Like what? Sleeping early at night?” Your voice is not meant to be harsh but it takes me by surprise that you know. Maybe you ask one of my colleagues and that gives me hope.
But I shouldn’t.
“Fine,” I give in because how can I not? Then you wave at me goodbye and I do but you turn around and walk away first while I am left standing with my hand grasping my son’s miniature version of mine, my heart promising not to break itself again.