I feel so stupid right now. I really don't want to cry. I'm sick of crying. This is a pain that I have felt before. The pain of being broke. The pain of seeing my parents struggle.
I called my mom asking for rent money.
I feel so stupid.
They can't afford it. They live with my grandma because they can't afford a house. Yet they're paying for my rent. I called my mom asking for 200 more dollars for utilities. She doesn't have the money for it. She shouldn't be paying my rent. She shouldn't be paying for the awesome life I have. They live in a hell hole. They work so fucking hard. FOR NOTHING. To be constantly stressed out. Just to buy food. They are literally the definition of making ends meet. And here I am. Being stupid as fuck. Planning a trip to Austin. Like I can afford that. And then calling her up for rent. I have two dollars in my bank account.
And I’m just like yeah I’m gunna go to Austin because I am selfish.
But I still want to go. And I am still going to try to make it happen. Because I think I can do it. And because I think I fuckin deserve it.
I feel so stupid living in Boulder. With all these yuppies. Everyone has so much money and it just makes me feel like shit. Like I'm fuckin stupid and worthless. Like I don't deserve anything I have. I feel ashamed. My roommates and friends all have their parents to pay for them. And they don't ever worry about being broke. Broke to the point of embarrassment. I sat in my room for a month. A MONTH. I could have been working. But nobody would hire me. I'm stupid. I never saved my money. I'm stupid. I think I can have what other people have.
The pain. It's coming back. The same pain I felt in 2014. It's squeezing out of my heart, like venom, and poisoning my body. The same sadness that makes me choke. It makes me gasp. It makes my body collapse. Or at least I wish it could. I want to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. My parents don't deserve this. They are the greatest people in the world. They work so hard. So fucking hard. And they're so stressed. I have ignored this pain for a long time. That's why I hate being home. That's why I run from the feeling. Chasing it down with booze, boys, loud music, and the Chicago skyline. I didn't want to feel their sadness. And now it is back. And it hurts. A lot. I just want everything to be ok. I just want money to stop being a problem for them. I feel so helpless. I want to go to school. And have a normal life. The one where I go on family vacations. And we fly out to visit my sibling who lives in another state. The one where I go away to college freshman year and travel abroad my Junior year. The one where I can answer people honestly when they ask me about school and my future. I have no fucking idea what I am going to do with my life! Stop fucking asking me that you rich yuppies.
Yeah I don't go to fucking school. Yeah my family is poor as shit. And stressed out. And they live in a fucking miserable hell hole in the midst of rich white America. Yeah we got a good education. And had a phenomenal childhood. They did their damn best. And I would never choose any other family to grow up with. I love my family to death. We are closer than ever because of our circumstances, and I am grateful for that. But I just want it to stop. I want them to be ok. I want my parents to be able to go on a vacation. Or go out to dinner! They can't even do that. They can't even celebrate 25 years of marriage with a simple dinner. Or weekend away. Away from their hell hole. Maybe that sounds privileged of me to say that. Some people don't even have food to eat. Or water to drink. Or a mother. Or a father. Or one that cares. Some people have siblings who have died or other family members dead. Who would kill to have them back. I have all I need. I have my family. Whom I love. And they take care of me and love me back. And that's all I need. I just want the struggle to stop. If they could just afford their own house I would be happy. Ill worry about paying for school myself. I'm ok with that. I just want the pain to stop. The struggle. To stop.
In December of 2014 there was a really bad day that I remember pretty vividly. I was a nanny for this really wealthy family at the time. They lived in a gated community, spiral staircase, marble counter tops, expensive rugs, you know, the works. And there were a lot of instances when the mom was home while I was there. She would just sit on her phone and leave me to watch the kids. Which was ok, I guess. But the kids started getting really bad. Mean. So mean. They almost made me cry a few times. They wouldn't listen, they would say hurtful things. Then they would run to their mom. And she would get upset with me. Like why are my kids bothering me? Please take them away from me.
They wouldn't leave so she would give in to what they wanted and I would be left to finish dealing with their bullshit.
Anyways. I come home after a horrible week. It's finals week. I am trying to study. I was working another equally stressful job on the weekends. And I was just at my wits end.
We were living with my grandma who had the TV so fucking loud. All the fucking time. And she has no internal dialogue. Don't get me wrong, I love my grandma. But living with her drives me fuckin nuts. Studying at my house was impossible. And the high school had finals during the same time, so the library wasn't a very quiet place either.
But it was better than “home”, so I packed up my stuff to head to the library. Just as I was leaving I get a call from this guy I had a thing with. But I ignored his call because I thought it was a mistake.
It wasn’t… He texted me
“I have something awkward to tell you...”
and I immediately knew what he had to tell me….
I have an STD.
I start freaking out. Hyperventilating. I just had such a hard week. So I ask for the car and tried to a pair of socks from my sisters room.
But she stops me.
“Those are mine, you can't wear them”
“I don't have any, they're all dirty. Just let me borrow a pair”.
But no. She was being so stubborn.
At that moment I felt trapped.
Like an animal in a cage.
I could hear the fucking TV below me on full volume.
I was so tense from the week and the fact that I was about to hear some awful news.
“Just give me the socks!”
We start wrestling. OVER SOCKS.
I was going crazy.
I started crying.
The tears were uncontrollable.
I was so broken.
My life was such a fuckin mess.
I called him up and I was right.
“You should go get checked….”
I got straight A's that semester.
No idea how.
I didn't cheat.
Shit, I even got 100% on the final I took the next day.
The day after I broke.
What's the lesson in this story?
Sometimes life is a mean cruel bitch.
She will whip you.
And break you.
And spit on you.
And laugh at you when you are on the ground.
Gasping for air.
“What did I do?”
You did nothing.
Nothing to deserve it.
You just gotta fight through those moments.
Hold yourself together.
Ask someone for a hug.
Do it. Don't be afraid.
Because we all fall apart.
When the year 2014 broke me, I didn't think I would ever find the pieces.
I was shattered all over the pavement.
Every time I went to pick up the pieces life would come right back over with its hammer again to shatter them a little more.
With bloody hands.
A broken heart
and damaged spirit
I eventually realized I didn't need the same pieces to rebuild myself.
So I kept walking down the glass filled road.
I met some people along the way
who had the same problems.
We searched for the broken pieces together.
It took some time
But we ended up finding them.
Although our hearts were not made of the same material in the end
we were able to find things that mattered.
To peel away the layers.
Make things more simple
And now our hearts
can take more damage.
They're more resilient.
My heart is stronger.
That's not to say I don't get upset about these things anymore.
I just did, right now. Two years later. I just cried about something that happened two years ago.
But if I let something, from two years ago, hold me back, I will have learned nothing.
We are brave beings.
We get dirty.
Do stupid things.
It will knock us to the ground.
And although we feel like it will be impossible to get up
We somehow manage to do so every time.
Isn't that incredible?
No matter how many times life has knocked me down
I have still gotten up.
And although my ass is bruised and sore
I'm still here.
And I'm ok.
And so are you.