Notes to my Son

I am an expecting woman in a same-sex relationship. My partner and I had just done artificial insemination using a sperm donor. I just found out that we are expecting a baby boy and this is what I wrote to him:

I wonder what my plan is; I keep typing for you these letters. It feels so good each time I write you something. What scares me the most is the connection I might be creating with you. I want you to be responsible my son. As much as you will be my first child and the chances of us being very close are high, I would like you to be able to survive without me. The thing is nothing really prepares you for motherhood. Yet there are people who will criticize or guide you. With my mom so distant to me, I really do not have anyone I can reach out for. I sometimes feel so over-whelmed by emotions, fears and anxiety and the sad part is I don’t have anyone to share with. I keep my head up high because I know that it’s up to me to decide on how I want to raise you and guide you. My child, under no circumstance I would ever want to hear or even suggest that you lonely, especially when I’m still alive. I want you to know that where there is love, there is trust and communication amongst many other things. I want you to feel safe around my care. I want you to know that nothing and no one will even be a priority at your expense. That’s just how much I love you. The best decision that I fail to regret, because my child you were one of the bravest yet best decisions I ever took. I cannot promise you that I will not disappoint you. You are your own person, with your own expectations in life. Just know that I promise to try my best at all times.
I cannot say I will be the coolest mom, I doubt I’m even cool. I’m a straight talker my child, I’m straight as a ruler. But just know that behind every decision that I take there is love.