Letting go...

August 18, 2013 (2:06 AM) Midnight, I couldn't sleep so I decided to clean my room. I saw an old box under my bed, I realized I've been cleaning my room for years and the box has been there but I never noticed it until now. I opened the box to see what's inside and found an envelope that has the word "Letting go" written on it. I smiled as memories flashed back. It was Sept 08, 2008 when I wrote it. I opened the letter...

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September 08, 2008 (06:45 AM) I just came home from my early morning shift when I felt the sudden rush of emotion. I felt so low. Same feeling that I've been struggling for years. But no, I should not feel this way I told myself. I Tried to fought back the loneliness trying to destroy me. I can do it, I will do it! I grabbed a pen and paper, smiled...and start writing. Today, after years of pains and solitude I decide to live again. That I will let go of all the pains, hurts and regrets I have kept in my heart. That I will try to forgive those who have hurt me and will soon forget the pain. I will live with strength and courage to face everyday with a smile. The love I have offered with all honesty was my demise. Fate may have played its tricks on me and love, gave up on me when I needed it most but I still have life; I still breath, I can still smile and I will choose to be happy. And someday ...someday, when I'm better love will find me. And I will find the man who will love me the way I will love him. The man who will hold my heart for his own and would never let it go. But for now, I could only go on and hope... This will be the last time I'm going to feel this way, it may be difficult at first but I know I can do it, I will do it. I closed my eyes and think of all the memories...I smiled and throw it all away from my mind and out of my heart. I looked for my journal and browsed it, All the memories was there. Letters, pictures together, Our first dinner date receipt, his first gift wrapper and box, chocolate wrappers...I was showered with so many gifts but it wasn't enough. I honestly don't need it and I realized it was like a token for staying with him and that 6 years was full of pains than of happiness. Unrequited love, I guess he needs me but doesn't love the way I thought. I tore all the pages and cut it into pieces...it's over. I should not hold back to any of his memories. I have a son who maybe his living memoir but he is mine, I will love him and raise him to be a better man. He doesn't need a father to become a better person, I, my family and those people who never left my side are there to guide me. I have so much faith, I can do it! Everyday I will remind myself how beautiful life is, I will count my blessings and think of how many people love and care for me. I only lost one, I gained a few but they were real...they won't hurt me. I will remind myself that I will be fine, I just need to keep walking and keep moving on and I'll get there someday. I will smile no matter how tricky life is and will always find reason to believe that everything will end up the way I want to. I'll keep that faith. I'll live and start anew. And I will be happy...because I choose to and that's how it should be. Happiness is somehow the cheapest gift I could give to myself, yet its the most difficult to achieve. Because it isn't just about happiness alone, it includes love and life. And because of its vagueness many of us failed to see that its has to start with our own selves. We love because we want to be loved and we often forget that we have to love ourselves too. We live because of the people we love but we frequently forget that that we should live because its our responsibility to ourselves. And mine...will start now. I will become a better person, touch the lives of others who are hurting in some way. Be true to myself and to the people who cares for me. I'm not gonna let them down. From now on... I'll look after what's good for me. I'll be the best person I can be... ...and someday when I'm better, I'll marry the man to whom I will find true love.

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It's been years. And it's over now. I am healed. And blessed.