Shaji was precocious. He sensed something sensational when he, at the age of three, began observing women who visited his house. They were distant relatives and as a small boy nobody took him seriously, but deep in the mind, Shaji was calculating. Things are good, but here the society is not good because there is no freedom. He felt that he was in the wrong place and he knew that there were other countries where people have freedom.
He joined school at the age of five and he was among the top scorers of the class. He was intelligent, got along with girls easily and was very happy. But Appu, who was bigger and stronger than him, came with some threat.
‘You must bring five rupees for me whenever I tell you, or you will get from me. You know, my father is a policeman and he can arrest you if I tell him. Tell your mother that you need five rupees and she will give you.’
Shaji became worried. He discussed this issue with his uncle. He came to school and talked with the headmaster. Shaji was called and was reprimanded. He began to behave well, to the surprise of Shaji.
Slowly, Appu began to behave well. They reached grade three and one day Appu took Shaji to the back of the school building where nobody could see them. Appu then began to behave physically in a way that made Shaji stand there without making any noise. Appu was making his first moves towards a homosexual experience. Shaji did not say anything, though utterly embarrassed.
When he reached high school, there were no unwanted advance from anybody. His classmates were jolly and told many amorous stories whenever they got free time. Students brought sleazy magazines to the class and Shaji’s basic instincts grew stronger. But as the society was so strict he did not dare to explore the field beyond a limit.
College. More freedom, more girls to watch, more erotic films in the cinemas in the nearby town – Shaji felt very elated about his life, but kept his virginity intact. He wanted to be a good person deep in his mind and he was also afraid of doing things that were considered so sinful.
Age 31. Shaji had not got a government job yet. He was working in a private company in the state of Andhra Pradesh. No suitable proposals came for marriage. He was on the point of getting into the first act of ‘that’. He feared he may rape any girl who came his way and decided to go to a brothel in a remote small town.
Thiruthani was actually a temple town , but the people there tolerated the illegal activities that went on in some of the lodges and also in certain buildings away from the city centre. He gained information about the place through a web site and went to the lodge mentioned in the site.
‘Come sir, want room?’ The office attendant asked. He read Shaji’s mind from his facial expression and asked. ‘Sir, we have some ladies here, are you interested?’ Shaji nodded yes, still finding it hard to believe that these things are really happening. A marriage at the ripe age did not take place, sex became maniacal, no other way to keep the balance.
That was the beginning. The first act took away all shyness, fear, sense of guilt and whatever was there negative in the mind. The habit continued when he reached the Maldives, Thailand and Sri Lanka for work. Back home, he came in contact with a lady who ran a brothel service in Tamil Nad and Shaji became a frequent visitor there.
Right or wrong? Good or bad? He escaped the notice of the police on all occasions and he felt very satisfied at the age of 39. Then came the wedding.
She immediately captured what a man was he, on the very first night. He could not keep any secret and he divulged all and said to her, ‘I have not been good, but I will try to be a better person from now on wards. It is difficult for a man like me to completely stop the habit, but with your support I will control my instincts, my waywardness and my bad ways.’
The dark period is almost over, but at the back of Shaji’s mind there were the thrilling memories of his amorous adventures and to shake them off was not easy. But he resolved to be very virtuous and with the help of his wife, who did not have no other way than to tolerate him, began to spend days without thinking about his former activities. But deep in the mind, still, he was planning another trip to Tamil Nadu, but not in the near future, but after one or two years. Is it so difficult to be good?