"And we'll be friends forever and ever!" Chris exclaimed happily as we stroll along the park one late afternoon after class. His right arm was on my shoulder while mine is on his waist. I keep my mouth shut as I listened to my heart beating wildly on my chest. What if he knew? What if he'll push me away right when I tell him the truth? I was so afraid that if I tell him I love him more than being just a friend, he will ask me to stay away.
There's a sudden lump in my throat I'm afraid to speak. I just want to treasure this moment with him. I want to cherish this precious chance with him in my arms.
Chris and I have always been the best of friends. He has always been the guy who saves me from being bullied when we are still young, the guy who's always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, the guy who offers his shoulder for me to cry on. Chris, the guy I am so inlove with but I'm afraid he doesn't love me back.
"Hey, is everything alright?" he raised my chin for him to look me straight in the eyes. I didn't say a word, I just stared at him, allowing myself to dive into his baby blue eyes and look at his blond hair dancing with the wind, his clothes that are trend and those freckles on his cheeks.
"Lilac Zane, is everything alright?" he repeats the question twice before I snapped back to reality. "Ow, uh" I tuck my hair behind my ears while I try my best avoiding his gaze. His brow furrowed and his forehead creased. I opened my mouth for something to say.
"Don't ever think of lying to me. I know you more than you know yourself, Lilac." He warned me. I was stunned, frozen in place. I don't know what to do anymore. I had always known the fact that this secret I've been hiding will never be kept for long.
"What is it that you're not telling me? You're acting really weird since that night, do you hate me?" His soft voice which was supposed to be calming sounded like angry.
"No! Of course not! I don't hate you, Chris.." I love you more than you ever know.
I look down. I never want this kind of set-up. I just want to go back to what we used to be.
"Then what, Lilac? You're acting different. What are you hiding from me?" He clenched and unclenched his palm. His knuckles turns white and his eyes with rage.
"N-nothing, Chris" I hear myself whisper.
"Fine! You really want to know the truth?" I look at him, meeting his gaze with the same intensity. My heart is beating in terror. This is probably the right time to tell him the truth.
It's probably now or never.
"I, I love you Chris"
"What? B-but you knew I like Cassidy, right?"
I nodded with my eyes on the ground afraid I would shatter in pieces if I dare look at him.
"You knew I've been planning to court her, right?"
Again, I nodded still looking at the ground.
"Lilac, Cassidy has always been my type. You know that, right?"
"Yes." I bite back my tounge trying to suppress the sob. I closed my eyes just to stop my tears from coming out but they won't. The pain I'm feeling is like a slap of reality. That no matter how close we are still, too far from loving each other.
I had always known that. I just hoped. But all those hopes had turned to nothing. My heart goes like it's being ripped apart by a hundred pieces. There's a deadly pain in my chest I'm afraid it would kill me.
"Lilac, I'm sorry," Chris took a step closer to me.
And right then, I know I have to run. I know he is not my hero anymore, he is the guy who stabbed my heart in all different angles. He says he's sorry and it means he's asking me to let go, but no. He's going to hug me to try to ease this pain, but no. I won't give up my feelings for him. I don't care if he reciprocate my love for him or not, I just knew I have to fight for it.
"Lilac!" he calls my name.
It's kind of just funny how I had the guts to tell him the truth. And now it fractured my whole being knowing he's just going to watch me run away with tears in my eyes and a broken heart. Damnit Chris!
I was almost drowned with my flood of tears that night. I cried myself to sleep as our memories played again and again on my mind. Today is Monday which means two days had passed after that incident. And by Monday, it means I will have to go to school and smile at everybody and act like nothing happened. Go Lilac, you can do it!
All my effort of trying to be okay had easily vanished when I saw Cassidy's angelic face. She smiles when she caught me staring and walk towards me just to say, "Hi."
Chris is beside her and they walk hand in hand. He remained silent. No more good morning greetings, no more smiles and no more high-five's every Monday morning. Just Chris, the plain Chris. And he just passed like a stranger.
"Hey Lily!" Somebody put his arms on my shoulder. Just by his voice, I already recognize him but I still prayed it's not him.
But it's him, isn't it?
"What's wrong with you?" he asks. I rolled my eyes at him before I slowly lifted his arm resting on my shoulder. Tobby Starling, Chris' number one enemy. Chris is the Campus' Mr. Nice Guy while this one, Tobby, whom I was not even close with but already calls me Lily, is considered as Mr. Trouble.
Chris had warned me so many times about staying away from Tobby and I gladly obligued. Tobby is a big, big, big trouble.
Regardless of his gorgeous looks.
"There's nothing wrong with me. So,uh, if you'll excuse me?" I started to take a step hoping I'll be able to get away with Tobby Starling. "Not so fast, lady. Hey Chris!" I felt his tight hand holding my wrist. By the time Chris turned to look at Tobby who had just called him, Tobby pulled me into his arms wrapping my body and his lips kissing me.
I blink not only once but thrice. I saw how he nibbled my lower lip and after a couple of minutes I was able to push him away, gasping for air. Chris' eyes widened in shock. Cassidy's mouth hang wide open. Everybody else stood surprised. Nobody dared to make a move nor speak. It's as if they had forgotten how to breath.
"Lily, I think we're already making a scene here. Let's go," Tobby says, acting so calm after what had happened. I saw Cassidy's painful expression as she turns to grab Chris' hand who was still unable to digest everything.
Cassidy has a crush on Tobby since the day she found him. She says there's something about his eyes, they're alluring and beautiful and I just never believed it until today.
Chris remains motionless. Somehow, I always dream that maybe with that reaction, he might possibly had an interest in me but everytime I think about it, the more hurt I am in the end. And maybe this is the reason why I took Tobby's hand with mine and just say, "Let's go."
A smile flashed on Tobby's face. A wicked smile but I just let him, anyway. I just want to distract myself away from Chris for a while. And maybe that way, it would lessen the pain.
"Lilac Zane." My heart stopped beating. Cassidy's heart stopped pumping. Tobby's heart turns dead. Everybody's heart waited. No, please. Don't let him hurt me again, dear God.
I closed my eyes and hopes that Chris will stop me. I hope he just keep on denying to himself that he doesn't like me but now he finally had the guts. I hope he likes me. I hope he realize it before everything turns out late. I hope he doesn't let me go with another guy that easy.
I hope he stops me. I hope he will.
"C-Chris.." I stammered as I turn to look at him. This time, I am ready to let go of Tobby's hand if he will just say he likes me. This time, I don't care if it's just a lie. I am ready to believe something that ain't real just to be happy. Just to be with Chris.
He is my weakness.
And then he opens his mouth.
"Lilac Zane, I'm happy for you."
There's a sudden punch in my gut. A sudden stab in my heart. A sudden prick in my eyes. A sudden quake in my entire world.
A sudden flow of tears pouring from my eyes.
Chris never let me go so easily. Chris would never do this to me; but he just did. He fractured me instead of being transfixed. He let me go without fighting.
It is his choice. His choice to be with the girl he likes and forget about every memories we've shared.