Faking Sad Tears?

Its been 37 days since the last time I heard his voice. 49 days since I saw his face,held his hand and kissed his cheeks. According to his calculations, I should have been doing well by now. Calculations can be wrong, specially when done by a boy you loved.

He’s doing pretty well I guess. Why not me? Why am I writing this? Questions I have no answer to.

My first break-up. Its not that I was dying to achieve it and am very proud of it, I just didn't realize it would happen to me. I guess nobody does, so lost in each other’s love. One doesn't really give it ample thought as long as the fake promises and lies keeps the other at bay. At least it was true for me.

To wake up every f**king morning and think of him is a torment. Every morning I wake up and my first thoughts are, ‘S**t! Another day! How am I gonna pass this? I should stop thinking about him. He doesn't care for me. I shouldn't too. I must be strong. I miss him. Miss his voice, his hands in mine, his suppressed smile, that funny mark on his face, that nodding of his head to every agreement ,that face he makes to every dislike, his tiny cute nose and some traces of hair on it, the dark lines under his eyes…his kiss…everything.’

Suddenly I feel my fingers curling on their own and trying to grip his. I realize he’s not here. Never will be again. At that instant, it feels all the oxygen has been sucked from my room. I struggle to breathe,literally. Sometimes, my eyes get watery. It makes me weaker, physically and mentally, everyday of my life. Then I tell myself ,’Don’t worry, just get up now. Don’t think of him. You are a very good woman. You deserve better. Everything will be alright.’ I hope so.

The same story repeats the next morning. Every morning.

I wish I could foresee what was coming for me. No. I would not stop loving him then. I would just be more prepared for all this. He was prepared and took me off-guard. If I knew I would make each day with her count.

I can’t explain the s**t going through my head. I try to understand where did everything go wrong. Look for that one big reason which made him do it. I can’t stop thinking about it. Can’t let it go too.

What have I become? A psycho? Clearly I have become obsessed with him. Is it love? What is love to him? Is it care? Will he ever realize how much I love him? I can’t think of all these together. It kills me. It is killing me.

I didn't know break-up would be so easy for him and so disastrous for me. I still can’t believe it. It has clearly broken me beyond repair. For him it was simply like wishing good morning over the phone. For me it has been my worst nightmare. I wish I could delete just that one day from my life, just that one day.

He once said ‘Love is something which 2 people feel good for sometime… feel right’.

‘Sometime’ was too short in my case. Did he ever love me? Have I been used? Or am I intolerable and a pathetic person?

Unlike him I considered him more than a boyfriend. Loving someone too much can be one’s undoing. This should be the first lesson in school. I can only regret now.

He doesn't even want to hear my voice or see me. What does he think of me now? I don’t know that. Rather, I don’t want to know that. My heart can only take so much. But I’m still holding on to his memories. They are all I have of him. Sweet as well as bitter memories.

I don’t know what happens to me next. My life is hanging on uncertainty. Will things turn out fine or will I be an unlucky soul?

Sometimes, only sometimes, I imagine his smiling face and it makes me smile. I remember anything funny he said and it makes my heart lighter. But all this lasts only for a few seconds, because soon after I am overcome with unbearable pain. I just lie on my bed till the pain subsides and try to put on a fake smile.

But, unfortunately, I’m not so good at FAKING happy tears.